Thank You Gord...

August 20^th – Will forever be ‘Gord Downie Day’ to me.

3:17am

In a few short hours, our nation will gather. We will celebrate, reminisce and simultaneously mourn the reason why we have come together.

Gord, geez, buddy, I am just not ready to say good-bye. I know, I have said it before and I say it again, on behalf of all of the Gen X’ers across our country, you have provided our voice, the soundtrack of our lives. Now, on this momentous day we are expected to somehow let you leave the stage for the very last time. How can ‘we’, a nation of truly adoring friends allow you to do that without first being able to say our deepest, heartfelt thank yous to you? That is a lot to ask. Just sayin’.

For many of us, I am sure, you having to leave the stage is going to be first the ‘exit’ of a friend that some of us have ever had to deal with before. There is no preparing for ‘exit stage left’. As I sit here and write to you I wonder from our perspective, how is going to be for us at the end of this final set. I try to imagine how we are supposed to carry on knowing that the last note you sing to us will be the very last one. The truth is I feel shame in the wondering. Here, for months, many of us have been focussed on what this province by province, good bye has felt like for us. I am sorry Gord, it’s selfish, I know.

With this I will say my final good bye. Thank you for cryptically writing my life’s story. Thank you for sharing it with the world and I. Thank you for delivering it in away that took me out of the picture and allowed me to be a momentary voyeur. You have provided me space at times when the world was closing in, with your lyrics and harmonies. I owe you one for that.  I love you, man. You are the real deal and I will forever be grateful for knowing you through your art and creative process.

Thank you.  A million times, thank you.

Now, I write to you the reader, the fan, the equally, tragically hip person reading this. Aren’t we all tragic in someway? Isn’t that the real tie that really binds us? Gord gave us all value. He said to all of us,

 “Hey, listen…we are all the same. We are just here and you are just there, and we are all just fumbling through this journey, trying to leave as small of a disaster in our wake. You’re good. You’re cool. You got this.”

Gord made us seem like our ‘shit shows’ weren’t ‘shit shows’, that in fact we have all been treading the same water, waiting for those moments of thriving to reveal themselves, one star at a time. That is what makes Gord, all of our best friend. He normalized moments that made us feel like outsiders. He was the first voice to ever say that different was good. Think about that for a second…

So, while we are gathering and trying to fathom how to let this great man leave the Grand Stage, one last time, I invite you to join me in ceasing to be so selfish. We get to watch this concert tonight. We get to watch it with our friends and family. We get to go home tonight, rest our heads down and wake up tomorrow to a new day and new chances and choices for our future with our friends and family. I would consider that to be a pretty sweet way to end the day.

Today, all day, Gord is faced with the knowing that he is about to hit the stage for us. This whole tour has been for us. In the face of certain death, rather than spending this time with his children, he gave these past two months to us, a massive gift at the expense of his precious time with his children. That speaks volumes of how deeply he understands our own grief. Amazing…

So, tonight, after Gord leaves it all on stage for us, he gets to go back stage with his best friends, his band mates and he gets to let it sink in that that was it. Truly, that was the last time they would live the dream that they have so masterfully manifested for themselves. There will not be another encore. There will never be the crowds of adoring fans chanting, “Hip! Hip! Hip! Hip!” The Curtain has been called.

Back Gord will go to his place. Not his home, it is up for sale. Not to his family in the sense that you may think. He will go wherever it is he goes tonight. He will rest his head and he will feel a loss like none of us can imagine. We lose him, yes. We all are losing Gord, but damn, he is losing ALL of US. He is losing a nation! How does one comprehend that? Can you? Do You? How can one human feel to lose millions of friends all at once? Think about that…

I invite you to sing along, enjoy the show tonight. I know it will be epic. I also invite you to remember what Gord must be seeing from his two eyes tonight. Imagine what he will be hearing as the crowds and country serenade him with his own words. Will that nurture his spirit the way it nurtures ours? Will it convey the love and appreciation that we have for him? We can only hope.

With that I leave you. I am never one for goodbyes. My dearest friends know me and know that I don’t do goodbyes. I sneak off when no one is looking. I text them once I am home and thank them for a wonderful time. Good byes have never felt good to me, and quite frankly I have endured too many. As for Gord, I refuse to say good bye, rather, I am going to sneak off, and hope that he knows the gratitude I have and that the love he’s given is coming back to him tenfold.

That is how this journey between Gord and I will end… it won’t. I am going to go stage right and he will go stage left, and hopefully, one day, we will meet back stage, wherever that may be.

Tragically yours,

t.

The Hip & Tragically Tiffany

I believe that there are moments in your life that help to define us. I also believe that there is music that that arrives in our life at a time when it seems to speak to the story of our journeys current experience.

There have only ever been a handful of artists or bands that I feel a strong connection to for this reason. One of them being my first favourite band ever, The Tragically Hip.

The Hip arrived into my life on a Saturday morning, in the fall of 1989. Ron and Marlene Poole lived on a quiet street in Steveston, BC and granted there two sons, my friends, Bradley and Travis, their homes garage to be a place for they and their friends to 'hang out'.

I always looked forward to the weekends, and to going to Brad & Travis'. They were given way more permissions and freedoms then I could have ever dreamed of. I appreciated being there and watching what it was like to have parents that wanted you around and welcomed your friends.

On one of these Saturdays I arrived at their garage and like most days, our friend Shane was kicking back on a chair watching as the brothers were showing of their skateboarding skills for each other. I parked my bike on the side of the house and was  nstantly intrigued by what I was hearing coming from inside the house. I asked what was playing and Travis commented that it was his new 'tape'. It was The Tragically Hip, New Orleans Is Sinking, playing, and thus the love affair was born.

From that day forward The Hip has meant something to me. When I say 'The Hip', I do not just mean Gord Downie, I mean Johnny Fay, Gord Sinclair, Rob Baker and Paul Langlois. Gordie might be the voice, but the band together are what makes The Tragically Hip so special, so different.

Here is a band that kept their stick on the ice, consistently, for decades. There have never been scandals surrounding the band. No reports of destroyed hotel rooms, groupies gone wild, drugs or alcohol induced binges... these are just good ole' Canadian Boys who are authentically friends, doing what they love with the guys that they love the most. These guys represent every guy Canadiana. They are our neighbours, our hockey mates, our fishing buddies and our friends. They are real and that is what makes them so unique and special.

Growing up with these guys, they have created the sound track of my life. In every chapter of my life, there is a Hip song playing in the background. There is a lyric for every season and solid connections to my life with good reason.

You can imagine the heart ache I felt when The Hip's press released hit the national news and reported that Gord Downie was fighting for his life and that we had to accept that this would be a war that he sooner than later would not win. It is strange how we can feel so connected and such true love for someone we do not intimately know, but I do love that guy and I am just so grateful to have met him and to have spent time with him in 2002.

With the help of a friend of mine who grew up with these boys from Ontario, I was able to meet the band and Gord. I will never forget standing outside of the venue prior to the concert and being amazed as my friend Holly spoke on her cell phone trying to relay her position to the person on the person on the other end of her phone. Before I knew it, none other than her dear friend Johnny Fay was standing before me, his arms tight around Holly, greeting his dear friend like the dear friend she was, while announcing how happy he was to see her and grateful for her to be there to see his 'gig'. I guess playing for thousands of people is still considered a 'gig' to him. To me it was an epic concert performance!

Johnny hung with us for 15 minutes, while his fans walked by not ever noticing him. He was hiding in plain sight. Another reason to love him. He is just a normal guy that does not seek attention, rather he was simply there to give attention to his long time sister/friend. I was starstruck, amazed and forever grateful to be present in that moment.

The show was awesome. They band gave us what we came for and more. They were tireless and played until the audience could barely dance another step. It was an epic show. Afterwards, we went to the side door, where we were ushered backstage by a roadie. We went down halls, around corners, and through several doorways before we reached the guys. They were all kicking back, wiping their brows and sipping on freshly cracked cans of good ole' Canadian.

Each of them greeted us, with big smiles and with warm solid handshakes that lasted just a few extra seconds than you would have expected. They each looked me in the eye and offered a solid warm hello that made me feel like they were genuinely happy to meet me. It may have just been thirty minutes, but it was real. They signed my CDs and Gord signed his book of poetry that he had just published, Coke Machine Glow.

It is not often that you get to thank the people that have supported you in your life. I am forever grateful that I have been given the chance to say my thank yous to Gord and The Hip. I was able to shake their hands and to look Gord in the eyes and to explain my appreciation for him. That is a gift that is never and will never be lost on me.

At the end of that evening, my husband and I walked away after hugging Holly & Courtney Gordon, along with Alexander Ludwig (now the famous actor), and we were silent as we held hands and returned to our vehicle. We were silent as we tried to process what we had just experienced.

Looking back at all of the ways that The Hip has influenced me I have a deep love for what the band has brought to my life. It was a very bittersweet day yesterday when I saw the band for the last time. I was excited at the prospect of seeing my beloved band, but knowing that it would be my last time, was weighing heavily on my heart.

My best friend, Andrea and her husband Kris joined my husband Rich and I for dinner prior to the show. Together, the four of us walked to the venue to watch a band that we all deeply respect. We took our seats and the lights went down.

The lights came up and there they were. It was a few songs in when the tears started flowing. Here we were to enjoy a great concert, and there was Gord, literally fighting for his life, and still selflessly giving us every ounce of energy and life force that he has. It was an honour to witness and it was painfully humbling. I felt grateful in that moment but I also felt protective of my friend. I wanted him to sit down, and take a break. I wanted to tell him to save his energy for himself. I wanted him to rest and to not be dying of cancer. I wanted the moment and everyone like it to last forever.

There was a specific moment during the concert when Gord was singing Grace Too, when he paused. He paused for an extra few moments and looked around and subtly nodded as be looked at the stadium audience and his adoring fans, making eye contact with those within eye reach. In that moment it was obvious that the magnitude of the moment and what the evening meant to all of us, including him, hit him...hard. I will never ever, ever forget that moment. Again, it was real. It was tangible and we, everyone, in the building felt it. We shared our goodbyes in those few seconds.

Our good bye consisted of Bobcaygeon, Grace Too and New Orleans Is Sinking, and so many more tunes that we reveled in. At the end of the evening, each of the guys put down their instruments and hugged and kissed each other. To witness that brought grown men and women to tears. At one point the stage was empty except for Gord. The lights came up and for several minutes Gord waved good bye to us, blew us kisses, touched his heart and received our love and light that we all were sending to him. There was not a dry eye in the stadium. Men and women alike were weeping, sobbing and openly crying the ugly cry. Another very real moment.

So, just as my relationship with The Tragically began, so to shall it always remain with deep love and respect. No matter where I or they go, they will always hold a special place in my heart and on every playlist both past and future.

Thank you Gord, and to all of the boys for your constant companionship. I wish for each of them a great amount of love, light and Courage.

Peace for all of them and for all of us.

love & light,

t.

The Journey

It has been just over a year since my last blog post. I decided that I would dedicate every ounce of my writing energy to be spent on my memoir. The commitment has proven to be a great decision and my book is making great gains.

I could almost write a novel based on the happenings of last year, alone. It seems that the older we get, the more curve balls arrive at our doorstep. I am simply grateful that with age comes the wisdom to navigate these turbulent waters and that we are better able to discern what deserves our attention and what can be observed from a distance.

I am in constant flux. I am always siting that with every lesson comes growth and hidden gifts that will eventually be revealed, yet, I am always trying to make sense of the lessons and more than once I have made it clear to the universe that I am well grown, and I am to re-gift any more 'gifts' that may find me. I am done with the lessons for now, thank you, no thank you. 

It appeared that 2016 with it's gentle arrival was going to be a softer and more easy going year. It stayed true to it's impression until recently. That saying 'that when it rains it pours' is ever true. April arrived and situations that were unfortunate showed up. Relationships I had doubted, showed their fractures and loved ones with questionable health gained certain issues.

It is at times when your loved ones are enduring uncertainty and your stability as a unit is in question that you begin to evaluate and reevaluate your place in this world. You pay closer attention who shows up for you, who love you enough to pick up the phone rather than sending impersonal texts and Facebook messages, and you are blessed by those who hunt you down, only to share a brief hug. These are the kinds of things that you pay attention to when the meek happenings in a day no longer interest you because they no longer register on your radar.

When real life happens to us, and by real life, I mean things that will matter in a year's time, you realize with heartbreaking clarity just how fragile each of us are. You see who really loves you and who does not. You come to terms with the fact that some of your friendships/relationships have run their course and you can be amazed by those who you never expected to meet you where you are, find you and lend support that you never anticipated from them. I dare to say that it is a great example of the gifts that find us.

Recently, someone shared with me a saying that resonated deeply with me. They said, " Parenting is a life long, daily lesson in letting go." This is so true and it speaks to every relationship that we invest in. We are a constantly evolving species and with that the only thing that stays the same is that we are constantly changing. It is always a great experience when two people evolve in the same direction, but that is a rarity and that is when you learn about unconditional love.

The bottom line and really the point of writing this is about 'love'. It is such a basic word, an innate feeling and a concept as old as time. If you love someone, then tell them so. Reach out to those who you may not have been in touch with for a long time, re-connect with those that you may have had a misunderstanding with, the simple act of attempting to connect is an act of love in itself.

On the other hand, if you no longer feel attached or connected to someone, or if you feel that the friendship has run it's course, then let them go. Give them the opportunity to open their hearts to new people. What I mean by letting go, is to forgive them the pretense of pretending to be delighted to see them, pretending that things have not changed and that your heart feels as close to them as it once did.  To be very clear, that also means to unfriend them on Facebook etc... why keep the contact? Let it go. Let them go. Let yourself go on and be open to sharing that time with new potential friendships.

I had a friend disown me a couple of years back. The circumstances involved in the unfriending were as questionable then as they remain to be today, but here it comes... it turned out to be a gift. Initially, I was heartbroken, gutted and utterly hurt at a cellular level, then I realized that the situation was largely due to her own capacity to be accepting and nonjudgmental regarding things which she herself needed to address about herself. It was a great exercise in 'owning one's shit' and 'projecting one's shit onto another'. That said, I owned my shit and I realized that sometimes when someone is trying to disguise, evade or ignore their own issues, it is easier for them to create a story that alleviates them of any responsibility in dealing with the internal work that they need to do. I get it. I have done it. I have also lost some great friendships as a result.

Ultimately, having this dear friend disown me actually allowed me a freedom that I would never have granted myself without experiencing this loss. The time that I would have spent in this one sided friendship is now invested in new, mutually respectful and appreciative relationships that nurture and grow sans secret judgement and inauthentic good will. Had this person continued the facade I would have never known that my love was not authentically being returned, nor would I have opened myself up to some of the amazing new friendships that hold and heal my heart.

So, indeed the past couple of months have been stalked with great lessons. Ultimately, the foundation of every experience is love and the lessons that are being learned are around appreciating what is true. At the end of the day, what is important is family, and by family I sometimes mean those whom are born to us, but also, those whom we choose. Our best friends are our family and they can often be found in the foundation of who we are today.

If there is one take away from this piece, please let it be that our personal freedom which is our happiness can be found in the friendships that make up our family, who are the foundation that support our journey in this lifetime. In other words, our happiness is derived from those that we love.

Love. It's all about love.


love & light,

t.

                                Three of my 'moons' - Andrea, Beany, Paula - missing Marnie.