Just those two words paired together puts a knot in my stomach. Letting. Go. Yes, they really do which is quite amazing considering I am the queen of letting go and moving on. If something isn't serving me or no longer nourishes me, I find it easy to cut it loose and not miss a beat. It's true, whether it be a pair of shoes, an idea or a relationship, watch out, I know how to let go.
I suppose I learned to let go at an early age due to the fact that our family was constantly moving around. I went to eleven elementary schools in 5 different cities and 15 different houses by the time I was 14. I learned early that nothing stays the same and to be very cautious where to lay roots or invest my love and friendship. That being said, it is clear to me why my circle of bffs is extremely small and made up of a amazing, loving women.
At this point in my life, however, I am tired of letting go. I have done it enough times now that I am quite delighted with where my life is, and who is in it. I really am done with the 'letting go' thing. I am especially not ever happy to let go of anyone that I love and adore, especially when the letting go is due to the fact that someone is relocating to a new city.
(Ugh... insert big sigh, stomach knot and eyes that are holding back tears, here.)
I know you have had a moment in life when you meet someone and the two of you just click. You both know that in that moment that other person has without any accreditation, purpose or experience, has earned a seat at your table reserved for your bffs. You just know they will earn it along the way, but you know innately that they belong there, and will always have their name on a piece of your heart.
Four years ago, this happened to me for the first time in nearly a decade. I was at Hollyburn, our local club, and I met a girl there that also had kids and was new to town, and we chatted and realized that we had a lot in common. Within a few weeks we were arranging coffee dates for us, never mind play dates for our children!
Our friendship grew and plateaued for the first couple of years, as we had children in different schools, but by the 2.5 year mark, we were as thick as thieves and we knew we shared a very unique and special connection. From that point on we grew closer and closer to the point that we made a point of talking or texting nearly everyday. There has truly never been anyone else that I have ever been so contactful with other than my husband and children.
Needless to say, both of our other bffs remained equally as special to us, but as for mine, they all either work full time or live in a different province or an island away. Having a bff in my own neighbourhood has been a new and amazing experience that I am ever so grateful for. Don't get me wrong, I have many other good friends in my community that I am very fond of and grateful for, but a BFF has seen you at your worst, your best, and your most vulnerable... and they love and accept you for all of it. That is a tall order...
Well, it was incredibly sweet while it lasted. Fortunately and unfortunately, my new dear friend, who I will call 'B', along with her awesome husband and family, made the business decision to return to the city and province in which they last moved from for the sake of a fantastic business opportunity that they simply could not turn down. I am delight for them as a family and for the opportunity that they have in front of them and I say that honestly with a heart full of hope for them. I on the other hand have a definite heartbreak going on.
Trust me, I know change is good. I know that everything happens for a reason and I know that 'B' and I will be friends for life and there after, but it does not take away the sting of letting go of having this person in my day to day life. Distance is a funny thing... you can be a 30 minute drive from someone and that distance simply puts enough space between you that you cannot manage to be in each other's weeks. I realize skype exsists. I know the phone is there, but nothing is as nourishing as a hug from someone who truly matters to you. Nothing compares...
So, I once again am learning how to let go of something & someone incredibly special to me. I know it is not a good bye... not even a possiblity! I just know that like everything else in life, our friendship as we know it is evolving. Am I looking forward to quartly flights to Calgary? No! Am I looking forward to hanging our with her and her family watching movies and chilling on their couch... hell yes!
Life is so precious, and there are so many superficial people in the world, that when you meet one of the golden ones, it is such a gift, they are the reason we put ourselves out there to love and be loved.
Even if our good bye was for good, the blessings that I have been given by this friendship and sisterhood far surpass any gift I ever thought I would know.
So what is the lesson here? What is my take away? Well, I suppose that I remember that letting go doesn't necessarily have the finality that my past 'letting go' has had. I am able to redefine in my mind and heart that letting go simply means that our evolution is constant and as we evolve our world will look different, like it or not. I have made and received such a beautiful investment of friendship, that even if I never saw 'B' again, my heart has enough love for her and from her to sustain our friendship going forward. Now isn't that something to rejoice... Once a beloved, always a beloved.
Mostly, I have learned that letting go has not hurt me this much in decades, which proves to me that those relationships did not have the depth to deserve my sorrow. They certainly were worth the lessons I learned, but I know for certain that sometimes a little pain is actually a beautiful affirmation that you have experienced something real and truly beautiful.
There is a gift in the pain of letting go. It means that whatever is leaving mattered.
Wishing you love & light,
t.
