Thank You 39

Recently I was having coffee with a friend when the topic of my upcoming birthday came up.

I am one of the few people I know who is actually excited to welcome their 40th birthday.

Although I am eager to welcome this next chapter in my life, I have come to realize that the 

real celebration that will arrive on my birthday will be that of my 39th year, completed.

I have to say that 39 was the most remarkable year of my life to date. I learned more

about myself and life, than all of my other years combined. It was not an easy year per sé,

but it was a personally rewarding year. It covered the emotional spectrum, and it brought

with it a load of learning that I was not seeking. It was as though for the first time ever,

all of life's pieces fell into line and the puzzle for the first time was no longer… it all came together.

For the first time in my life, recently, the great mystery of that missing piece in life, was actually

gone. The longing, the wondering, the unknown of that missing piece was finally unveiled. It

is not like I have unravelled life's great mystery, just mine. It seemed that through out my life 

there has always been a question that has surrounded my heart, there was always something

missing. I could never pin point it and I could never articulate what it was, which part of my life

it belonged to or if it was just some idealism that I was grasping after… it was untouchable but

I knew it was there.

These past few months I have been involved in some deep soul searching and through

the hard questions, the authentic moments of clarity and the unashamed truths, I was met 

face to face with a harsh reality… I have never, ever been accepting of myself, ever.

I have until now, always had  secret shame. I was burdened by my horrendous childhood,

that was not really even a childhood for the most part. I was shamed that I do not have 

parents. I was shamed by the molestation that I was victim to by not one but three different

abusers. I felt shame because I didn't have the opportunity to complete my education to the 

level that I wanted to. I felt shame because of my weight… when I was 96 lbs at 18 yrs old

and suffering with bulimia and now, being at my heaviest… shame. It was all around me. None 

of what I was experiencing shame over was at all shameful.  And when I ran forgot to be ashamed 

about something, I would manifest something else to hold me down.

These past few months I have been learning about shame and how it poisons our potential.

My heart and spirit finally figured out what my mind always knew, and that is that there is no

shame in life's journey. Everything is what it is for a reason. It makes us who we are in all

it's glory and sorrow, it brings us to this point in our beings, where all is what it should be

and without one of those experiences, I would not be who I am, where I am today.

There is no easy ride. Not for you, not for me, not for one of us. There is however, a choice.

We get to choose to be a survivor instead of a victim. We get to choose to see the blessings

through the challenges and we are the ones who decides what is half full or half empty.

Choice is the most valuable thing we have in life, and we always have it, it is always ours.

This year I have let go of some very ill serving ideas. I have said good bye to some old

friendships that had come to an imbalanced  place and I have again, brought my little circle closer.

I have taken friends off pedestals which was setting those people up for a fall, and I have

quit putting expectations on friendships. I have instead looked inwards and put expectations

on myself. I expect myself to receive, achieve and believe in everyone I love. I want what is best

for my beloveds and I want to be of service to their greater good when the time calls.

I have learned that coming to my children from a loving place isn't enough. I need to meet them

where they are, wherever they are. They need me to come to them at their level with a peaceful

heart even when they are not peaceful. They need me at peace the most when they are 

restless. This small adjustment in my being has allowed for a deeper closeness than we 

have ever experienced before. It has given my children a deeper trust in me, and so I 

innately am a more solid place for them to land.

Being a wife to such an extraordinary man can also trigger me into feeling less than. To know

the Silver Fox is to know that he is the epitome of integrity, hilarity and athleticism. He can 

is a steady eddie that never waivers and he is fair, and calm and just. He gives people

more than the benefit of the doubt and he never compromises what he believes in or stands for.

It can be difficult to be partnered with someone so beautifully imperfect. But as far as perfection

he is the closest thing I have ever found. It can be intimidating to compare myself to someone life

him, especially because I am emotional, and fiery at the best of times. The one thing that is in 

my favour is that being married to such an epic individual makes me strive to be a better person.

I have finally accepted that I must not be so bad, if this lovely creature chose to marry me… that must

say something good about me, non? lol

I have accepted myself for who I am, where I am and why I am. I know that because I have

come through this journey with the experiences I have, I now have a value to those

who are not yet prepared to accept themselves. I can be of service to those who are in 

transition from one emotional place to another. I can be of service to others. That is my life's

calling. I knew when I worked with children for several years that that was apart of my

life's work, but ultimately I know now, with beautiful clarity that I am exactly where

I am meant to be, doing exactly what I am meant to do. What more can a girl ask for.

I was recently asked what I would change in my life, and where before I would come

up with a few major adjustments, now I am perfectly content with exactly where I am.

There is such a brilliant freedom in feeling this way. Life is good. Life is great. Life is

a gorgeous choice that gives you the power to decide in every moment how you are.

That is my life's magic answer to the missing piece in my life… I am in control and I have

the choice in my life to be absolutely fine, better than fine. I accept myself. I accept where

my path has led me, and I have landed where I am today because of the choices that I have made.

I always reflect on the fact that no, life is not perfect. I am greeted with challenges, trials and

tribulations constantly, but they are just a challenge to myself, a challenge that will find me

staying true to my self awareness and my new found freedom. I am going to fumble towards

my ecstasy and I am going to fall and face plant into the ground from time to time, I get it,

I am only human, but the difference now is that I am a softer place to land. In those moments

where I forget to greet myself with compassion, I know my best friend, my Silver Fox, will

catch me, on my way down, dust me off and remind me that we are in this together

and that tomorrow is a new day and we can greet it together, a team, our love,

stronger than ever.

For all of the above reasons, I am not going to celebrate being 40 on August 21st, rather,

I am going to celebrate having been 39. She was a year full of beautiful gifts that have

left me a better version of myself and I am forever grateful. Maybe next August I will

give thanks for 40… in the meantime, I am honoured to have been 39 and I highly 

recommend it to anyone.

love & light,

t.