The Hip & Tragically Tiffany

I believe that there are moments in your life that help to define us. I also believe that there is music that that arrives in our life at a time when it seems to speak to the story of our journeys current experience.

There have only ever been a handful of artists or bands that I feel a strong connection to for this reason. One of them being my first favourite band ever, The Tragically Hip.

The Hip arrived into my life on a Saturday morning, in the fall of 1989. Ron and Marlene Poole lived on a quiet street in Steveston, BC and granted there two sons, my friends, Bradley and Travis, their homes garage to be a place for they and their friends to 'hang out'.

I always looked forward to the weekends, and to going to Brad & Travis'. They were given way more permissions and freedoms then I could have ever dreamed of. I appreciated being there and watching what it was like to have parents that wanted you around and welcomed your friends.

On one of these Saturdays I arrived at their garage and like most days, our friend Shane was kicking back on a chair watching as the brothers were showing of their skateboarding skills for each other. I parked my bike on the side of the house and was  nstantly intrigued by what I was hearing coming from inside the house. I asked what was playing and Travis commented that it was his new 'tape'. It was The Tragically Hip, New Orleans Is Sinking, playing, and thus the love affair was born.

From that day forward The Hip has meant something to me. When I say 'The Hip', I do not just mean Gord Downie, I mean Johnny Fay, Gord Sinclair, Rob Baker and Paul Langlois. Gordie might be the voice, but the band together are what makes The Tragically Hip so special, so different.

Here is a band that kept their stick on the ice, consistently, for decades. There have never been scandals surrounding the band. No reports of destroyed hotel rooms, groupies gone wild, drugs or alcohol induced binges... these are just good ole' Canadian Boys who are authentically friends, doing what they love with the guys that they love the most. These guys represent every guy Canadiana. They are our neighbours, our hockey mates, our fishing buddies and our friends. They are real and that is what makes them so unique and special.

Growing up with these guys, they have created the sound track of my life. In every chapter of my life, there is a Hip song playing in the background. There is a lyric for every season and solid connections to my life with good reason.

You can imagine the heart ache I felt when The Hip's press released hit the national news and reported that Gord Downie was fighting for his life and that we had to accept that this would be a war that he sooner than later would not win. It is strange how we can feel so connected and such true love for someone we do not intimately know, but I do love that guy and I am just so grateful to have met him and to have spent time with him in 2002.

With the help of a friend of mine who grew up with these boys from Ontario, I was able to meet the band and Gord. I will never forget standing outside of the venue prior to the concert and being amazed as my friend Holly spoke on her cell phone trying to relay her position to the person on the person on the other end of her phone. Before I knew it, none other than her dear friend Johnny Fay was standing before me, his arms tight around Holly, greeting his dear friend like the dear friend she was, while announcing how happy he was to see her and grateful for her to be there to see his 'gig'. I guess playing for thousands of people is still considered a 'gig' to him. To me it was an epic concert performance!

Johnny hung with us for 15 minutes, while his fans walked by not ever noticing him. He was hiding in plain sight. Another reason to love him. He is just a normal guy that does not seek attention, rather he was simply there to give attention to his long time sister/friend. I was starstruck, amazed and forever grateful to be present in that moment.

The show was awesome. They band gave us what we came for and more. They were tireless and played until the audience could barely dance another step. It was an epic show. Afterwards, we went to the side door, where we were ushered backstage by a roadie. We went down halls, around corners, and through several doorways before we reached the guys. They were all kicking back, wiping their brows and sipping on freshly cracked cans of good ole' Canadian.

Each of them greeted us, with big smiles and with warm solid handshakes that lasted just a few extra seconds than you would have expected. They each looked me in the eye and offered a solid warm hello that made me feel like they were genuinely happy to meet me. It may have just been thirty minutes, but it was real. They signed my CDs and Gord signed his book of poetry that he had just published, Coke Machine Glow.

It is not often that you get to thank the people that have supported you in your life. I am forever grateful that I have been given the chance to say my thank yous to Gord and The Hip. I was able to shake their hands and to look Gord in the eyes and to explain my appreciation for him. That is a gift that is never and will never be lost on me.

At the end of that evening, my husband and I walked away after hugging Holly & Courtney Gordon, along with Alexander Ludwig (now the famous actor), and we were silent as we held hands and returned to our vehicle. We were silent as we tried to process what we had just experienced.

Looking back at all of the ways that The Hip has influenced me I have a deep love for what the band has brought to my life. It was a very bittersweet day yesterday when I saw the band for the last time. I was excited at the prospect of seeing my beloved band, but knowing that it would be my last time, was weighing heavily on my heart.

My best friend, Andrea and her husband Kris joined my husband Rich and I for dinner prior to the show. Together, the four of us walked to the venue to watch a band that we all deeply respect. We took our seats and the lights went down.

The lights came up and there they were. It was a few songs in when the tears started flowing. Here we were to enjoy a great concert, and there was Gord, literally fighting for his life, and still selflessly giving us every ounce of energy and life force that he has. It was an honour to witness and it was painfully humbling. I felt grateful in that moment but I also felt protective of my friend. I wanted him to sit down, and take a break. I wanted to tell him to save his energy for himself. I wanted him to rest and to not be dying of cancer. I wanted the moment and everyone like it to last forever.

There was a specific moment during the concert when Gord was singing Grace Too, when he paused. He paused for an extra few moments and looked around and subtly nodded as be looked at the stadium audience and his adoring fans, making eye contact with those within eye reach. In that moment it was obvious that the magnitude of the moment and what the evening meant to all of us, including him, hit him...hard. I will never ever, ever forget that moment. Again, it was real. It was tangible and we, everyone, in the building felt it. We shared our goodbyes in those few seconds.

Our good bye consisted of Bobcaygeon, Grace Too and New Orleans Is Sinking, and so many more tunes that we reveled in. At the end of the evening, each of the guys put down their instruments and hugged and kissed each other. To witness that brought grown men and women to tears. At one point the stage was empty except for Gord. The lights came up and for several minutes Gord waved good bye to us, blew us kisses, touched his heart and received our love and light that we all were sending to him. There was not a dry eye in the stadium. Men and women alike were weeping, sobbing and openly crying the ugly cry. Another very real moment.

So, just as my relationship with The Tragically began, so to shall it always remain with deep love and respect. No matter where I or they go, they will always hold a special place in my heart and on every playlist both past and future.

Thank you Gord, and to all of the boys for your constant companionship. I wish for each of them a great amount of love, light and Courage.

Peace for all of them and for all of us.

love & light,

t.

The Journey

It has been just over a year since my last blog post. I decided that I would dedicate every ounce of my writing energy to be spent on my memoir. The commitment has proven to be a great decision and my book is making great gains.

I could almost write a novel based on the happenings of last year, alone. It seems that the older we get, the more curve balls arrive at our doorstep. I am simply grateful that with age comes the wisdom to navigate these turbulent waters and that we are better able to discern what deserves our attention and what can be observed from a distance.

I am in constant flux. I am always siting that with every lesson comes growth and hidden gifts that will eventually be revealed, yet, I am always trying to make sense of the lessons and more than once I have made it clear to the universe that I am well grown, and I am to re-gift any more 'gifts' that may find me. I am done with the lessons for now, thank you, no thank you. 

It appeared that 2016 with it's gentle arrival was going to be a softer and more easy going year. It stayed true to it's impression until recently. That saying 'that when it rains it pours' is ever true. April arrived and situations that were unfortunate showed up. Relationships I had doubted, showed their fractures and loved ones with questionable health gained certain issues.

It is at times when your loved ones are enduring uncertainty and your stability as a unit is in question that you begin to evaluate and reevaluate your place in this world. You pay closer attention who shows up for you, who love you enough to pick up the phone rather than sending impersonal texts and Facebook messages, and you are blessed by those who hunt you down, only to share a brief hug. These are the kinds of things that you pay attention to when the meek happenings in a day no longer interest you because they no longer register on your radar.

When real life happens to us, and by real life, I mean things that will matter in a year's time, you realize with heartbreaking clarity just how fragile each of us are. You see who really loves you and who does not. You come to terms with the fact that some of your friendships/relationships have run their course and you can be amazed by those who you never expected to meet you where you are, find you and lend support that you never anticipated from them. I dare to say that it is a great example of the gifts that find us.

Recently, someone shared with me a saying that resonated deeply with me. They said, " Parenting is a life long, daily lesson in letting go." This is so true and it speaks to every relationship that we invest in. We are a constantly evolving species and with that the only thing that stays the same is that we are constantly changing. It is always a great experience when two people evolve in the same direction, but that is a rarity and that is when you learn about unconditional love.

The bottom line and really the point of writing this is about 'love'. It is such a basic word, an innate feeling and a concept as old as time. If you love someone, then tell them so. Reach out to those who you may not have been in touch with for a long time, re-connect with those that you may have had a misunderstanding with, the simple act of attempting to connect is an act of love in itself.

On the other hand, if you no longer feel attached or connected to someone, or if you feel that the friendship has run it's course, then let them go. Give them the opportunity to open their hearts to new people. What I mean by letting go, is to forgive them the pretense of pretending to be delighted to see them, pretending that things have not changed and that your heart feels as close to them as it once did.  To be very clear, that also means to unfriend them on Facebook etc... why keep the contact? Let it go. Let them go. Let yourself go on and be open to sharing that time with new potential friendships.

I had a friend disown me a couple of years back. The circumstances involved in the unfriending were as questionable then as they remain to be today, but here it comes... it turned out to be a gift. Initially, I was heartbroken, gutted and utterly hurt at a cellular level, then I realized that the situation was largely due to her own capacity to be accepting and nonjudgmental regarding things which she herself needed to address about herself. It was a great exercise in 'owning one's shit' and 'projecting one's shit onto another'. That said, I owned my shit and I realized that sometimes when someone is trying to disguise, evade or ignore their own issues, it is easier for them to create a story that alleviates them of any responsibility in dealing with the internal work that they need to do. I get it. I have done it. I have also lost some great friendships as a result.

Ultimately, having this dear friend disown me actually allowed me a freedom that I would never have granted myself without experiencing this loss. The time that I would have spent in this one sided friendship is now invested in new, mutually respectful and appreciative relationships that nurture and grow sans secret judgement and inauthentic good will. Had this person continued the facade I would have never known that my love was not authentically being returned, nor would I have opened myself up to some of the amazing new friendships that hold and heal my heart.

So, indeed the past couple of months have been stalked with great lessons. Ultimately, the foundation of every experience is love and the lessons that are being learned are around appreciating what is true. At the end of the day, what is important is family, and by family I sometimes mean those whom are born to us, but also, those whom we choose. Our best friends are our family and they can often be found in the foundation of who we are today.

If there is one take away from this piece, please let it be that our personal freedom which is our happiness can be found in the friendships that make up our family, who are the foundation that support our journey in this lifetime. In other words, our happiness is derived from those that we love.

Love. It's all about love.


love & light,

t.

                                Three of my 'moons' - Andrea, Beany, Paula - missing Marnie.

Happy Mother’s Day?

With Mother’s Day only a couple of days away, there are advertisements, commercials and reminders that prompt us to give thanks for our amazing mothers. I am always happy for the
people out there that are blessed to have mother’s worthy of thanks; however, what about the rest of us who cringe at the sentiment, who aren’t as fortunate?

There is an unsung community of us who are motherless children.
Whether it is because of dysfunctional and abusive childhoods that carried through until we left home, or because of toxic relationships, there is a subculture of adults who do not have the privilege of enjoying
happy memories of our mother’s love and tender care. Many of us don’t even know what tender care from a maternal figure would feel like. Perhaps it was just never to be? Is it possible that some of us were never meant to know that particular brand of love?

Prior to having my own children, I would dread Mother’s Day. I would avoid going out in public. I would not engage in media of any sort. I simply did not want or need to see the fairytale that would
never be mine. Whether it is all a facade or not, watching people celebrating this matriarch who represented love, protection and unconditional love, was all too heavy for my heart, which carried this specific weight all year long regardless.

You would think at a certain point or age it would get easier or less painful to live without having a mother to turn to, to trade recipes with or to get pedicures with. The truth is, it never gets easier. The older you get the more you realize how important family is and how important having a mother is or would be.

Once having my own children, I was horrified to know how my mother was able to mistreat me and how foreign that concept is to me, especially after experiencing the love that I have for my own children. I could never bestow that kind of reckless abuse upon anyone, never mind my own innocent children.

When I was pregnant with my first child I longed to have a healthy, vibrant, peaceful mother who would share in my pregnancy journey. When my child arrived, I yearned to have a mother to help guide me through the early days. More than anything though, I wanted to have a grandmother to dote upon my child, a grandmother to offer my children who would love and adore them, like I do. Was I to assume that It was not meant to be?

One day after having my second child I had this amazing epiphany. I realized that having my own children had gifted me the opportunity to reparent myself, byway of parenting my children in a way that I knew they deserved.
I didn’t know how to be a great parent, except to parent in a way I wished I had been parented. By loving my children so fully and completely, I have brought the maternal love I’ve always needed and craved, into my life. I have personally benefited from simply and innately loving my own children. It was not by design but rather, as a result of the copious amounts of love that I effortlessly bestow upon my children.

My children have been incredible gifts to me, to my life. I never knew though how they would heal my heart and free it from the weight of wanting.

Now, when people wish me a Happy Mother’s Day, I finally feel the blessing in the statement because I am no longer reminded of my motherless self, rather, I organically think about the maternal love that fills my life and my home. It doesn’t matter that it is a love that I have created. What matters and what I choose to focus on is that it is a true love that envelops my family, and that is where the blessing lives. My family has a matriarch. My family is showered in this love every single day. 

This year and every year going forward it will be a Happy Mother’s Day, because I now know a maternal love worth celebrating.

Happy Mother’s Day? Absolutely!


love & light,

t.

Recollection & Renewal

On the eve of 2015, I find my thoughts wandering back into the year behind us, reflecting on all
of the teachers and challenges that found me and that I found this year. Looking back is always bittersweet. Each year there are always unexpected treasures and delights that you could never have dreamed of for yourself and then there are the heartaches that you could not have fathomed would ever darken your doorstep. In both instances, we surface the other side with a greater capacity for love and endurance.

Although, I will always choose love and light and to focus on the gifts and the blessings. This year
did offer so much beauty to focus on, but it did not come without challenging my commitment to remain positive in the face of fear and change.

While 2014 hosted a multitude of absolutely amazing opportunities and adventures, it also presented
several life altering situations. On the side of beauty, we had three new babies in our family both
immediate and extended, with a couple more on the way. We were privileged enough to visit some of our family’s favourite places and were lucky enough to be there with our dear friends and loved ones.
We enjoyed the luxuries of many epic concert experiences, traveling in our motor home,
hosting visiting family and friends, birthday celebrations, accomplished goals, creating new bonds with great friends, experiencing and witnessing the successes in our home and of our beloveds and having opportunities to further nourish life long friendships.

We have had our share of true joy this year but as I mentioned, the joy was even more wonderful when it enveloped us because we were also visited by several challenges that had us counting our blessings and praying for more to come. I have to think that we are coming to an age where health issues are more prevalent amongst our parents and their friends, but also in our own circle of friends.

The year was quite smooth until the summer arrived and one of my dearest friends moved out of province. It is always difficult when a loved one moves away, but it is especially difficult to face when it is someone who is in your day to day life. All of a sudden you wake up one morning and your
living your life without seeing or hearing from that person in the same way that once provided you
a constant sounding board, comrade and partner in coffee and crime. It was a huge adjustment which
took a larger toll than I had anticipated.

My heart was healing when word arrived that a dear friend had suddenly passed away. There
was no warning. It was a freak accident. They were here one day and gone the next. It was shocking, horrifying and totally blindsiding. It was another loss that took a large toll and left a huge hole in our community of friends.  There are no words I can call on to convey how gutted we all were.

This summer was lovely and then again, all hell broke loose. This past fall, in as many weeks, I found out that three of my very dear, beloved girl friends are fighting cancer. Just when you think that you can handle the fear that follows the journey of cancer treatment with one of your nearest and dearest, you find out that wait, you have two friends fighting the fight, but then you wake up one morning to that phone call you just want to believe is a dream or nightmare… but you realize that the reality is that you have three of your own fighting for their lives. Except for the grace of deep rooted strength and not having a choice, you muster up the courage and put on your game face and you go into battle leading the charge. That old saying ‘never let them see you sweat’ should be revamped to say ‘never let them see you sweat, cry, worry or your fear’.

When it comes to life, nothing is as important as good health. Of course there is never a good time to
get this kind of news, but on the heals of these revelations, I was kicked hard when I was down, and was literally disowned by someone I had considered more than a best friend. My family was her family and vice versa, until one day she decided she was ‘done’. You can imagine the emotional challenge; however, there is something very amazing about divine timing. When you are dealing with life and death in such a major way, and then forced to deal with someone’s fickle and flakey dismissal of your love and friendship, it is all put into perspective in a major way, really fast. That said, loss is loss any loss requires and deserves an appropriate amount of grieving. It is what it is and it was what it was… just not what I thought it was. My bad.

With friends coming and going, fighting for their lives, dying, divorcing, moving away, moving closer, losing loved ones, aging parents, launching businesses, buying and selling vehicles and vacation investments with the added blessings and stresses of everyday struggles that are all apart of daily life, to say the least it was an interesting year by any standards, which had me constantly battling the urge to leave the present moment rather than relishing the comfort that one can find when living in the moment.

As individuals we know ourselves. We know what we are capable of handling. By autumn I knew I was about at my limit when even more news of poor health arrived to us, surrounding other loved ones. I knew that I had to stay in the light and focus on the facts and not the what ifs. That is precisely where I have forced myself to remain until treatment strategies and surgeries are behind us. We are still presently in that holding pattern. It makes one feel weak and
useless while literally several of you close loved ones are battling for their life and quality of life, and you are stranded on the sidelines, unable to do anything of consequence.

With all of the goodness of 2014 and the challenges that arrived on the heels of so many blessings, it made it very easy to give deep gratitude for our health, the health of our children and the life that has given us so much to enjoy. Where this past year was so lovely and joyful, it was also extremely emotional and has left us in a state of limbo in many ways. While we hang on for many happy endings, we wait with bated breath as the uncertainty that crept up upon us in 2014 is grandfathered into 2015, despite the lack of invitation.

My hope and focus for 2015 is for good health, not just for myself and my immediate family, but for all of my loved ones and for all of yours. In light of this year and the lessons it brought, I am recommitted more than ever to bring health to the forefront of my life and that of my family’s. It pains me to admit it, but I have not made overall health in every aspect of our lives, the priority that it needs and deserves to be. I try hard and often succeed in being a positive role model for the children in my life, but I know I can do better.

With all of the above information laid out there, it goes without saying that my goal for 2015 is to bring my health to where it needs to be. With all of the details above comes a responsibility to know better and to do better. Life is such a gift but in no way is it a given. There is a fine line between living and being alive, but once you cross that line into living fully, the rewards are ample and they provide a greater experience in an already miraculous world.

My wish for you is to always remain focussed on the light that causes any shadow that finds you. Remember that there are gifts in every challenge despite the anchor of pain that might keep you from immediately realizing it. The gifts are always worth the trials that you sometimes have to endure.

Wishing you love & light in 2015,

t.

The Myth of Love, Friendship & Forever.

With February soon to be here, it is easy to get caught up in the ‘idea’ of love.
Love comes at us from many angles. We love our intimate partners, we love
our sisters, our brothers, we love our children, we love our friends, our pets,
our parents etc… Love. Love. Love.

To know me is to know that I love, love. I can find it in anything and I find it
in everything. I will always choose to see the good in every situation, given
enough time to process the moment. Happiness is a choice and I find joy in
love and light. I love fully or I don’t love. I don’t know half way, it is simply not
apart of my DNA. Negative, skeptical and insecure people usually find this
really annoying. Too bad for them, I say. Must bite to be so miserable, I figure.

Love truly is beautiful and necessary to have in our lives provided that
there are healthy boundaries in place. The moment a line of respect is crossed
you quickly realize that there is fine line between love and hate.

Regardless of the relationship, boundaries broken can create the perfect platform
to host a painful lesson which can and often lead to the discovery that the the way
we think of love is not necessarily a true representation of the reality of how love
actually works.

True love. Those words bring me back to a moment I witnessed this past Christmas.
It was Christmas afternoon and I had been thinking of a loved one who had passed
on, so, I decided to visit the cemetery. I entered into the gates and continued on driving
slowly to the far north end of the yard. I noticed families gathered around headstones.
I saw dozens of newly left poinsettias to honour loved ones gone. It wasn’t long before
I felt the blanket of heaviness that was hovering over the entire place.

Despite the heaviness, I was honoured to be there and to visit my loved one. Did I shed
a few tears? Did I convey how much I wished that they were still here? Of course. I brushed
off the headstone, wished them a Merry Christmas and I slowly walked back to my car saying
a prayer of thanks that I was able to represent a few of us and leave a little love there on what
was a beautiful winter’s day. I was there because I love this person.

As I drove out of the yard, slowly, on the narrow lane, I noticed a woman. She sat in a camping chair
with a child not much older 2 years old on her lap. The child was napping and she was staring off
into the distance in a stare 5 miles long. There was a picnic blanket, toys, snacks, a thermos and
several other items that conveyed to me that they had spent the morning there and that they had no
plans of leaving anytime soon. I was humbled, horrified and heart wrenchingly aware that while I
had been at home with my family, cherishing the our moments together, this woman had been there
‘spending time’ with her late husband. She was there because she is in love.

As I continued driving past, I knew in that moment that I had just witnessed ‘true love’. I have always
believed since the day I met my husband that I know what ‘true love’ is; however, in that moment I
realized that I had been sweating the small stuff a little too often. I try to keep my eye on the prize but
there are moments when I get caught up in trivial things that actually do not matter. I realized that
I am able to better honour the gift of true love that I have, by staying more present. I know that woman sitting there with babe in arms would give anything to forget the small stuff and to be with her beloved for even one minute longer in this life time. Witnessing this scene made me instantly recommit to being fully aware of how and with whom I spend my time with.

Over the past few years, I have spent a great deal of time and care ‘purging’ my friendship circle. Maintaining only the relationships which nourished me and made me a better me. I had decided last year to not allow anyone to treat me with any less respect than I feel I deserve. I made a commitment to myself that I would let people know when their words were cutting or perhaps feeling less than kind or considerate. What I didn’t count on is that by demanding respect and calling people on their words that did not reflect the standard of friendship that I believe any healthy relationship should have, that I would be on the receiving end of a purge, that I, in fact, would be purged.

Of course when this recently happened, I was dumbfounded, side swiped, gutted and deeply hurt on a cellular level when one of my best friends decided that it was time to cut ties with me. At first, I was simply heartbroken. I was sad as I had lost a family member, a sister as far as I was concerned; however, after using my inner circle as a solid sounding board who knew both sides well, I presented the facts as I know them to be true. After a great deal of discussion I  came to realize that perhaps I did not have what it takes to nourish this friend’s spirit. I love this person to this day as much as I ever have. I love her enough to realize that she deserves what makes her happy and if my friendship is not enough for her, than that is just the way it is. I also realized that sometimes, some people do not realize when they are subconsciously saying hurtful things that can only and could only ever be perceived as hurtful. That old saying ‘We know not what we say’, comes into play sometimes.

Sometimes the love you have for a friendship has a shelf life, I have learned. You can love as long as you like, but it doesn’t mean the person you are gifting that love to is always going to want to receive it. We are gifted teachers and challenges on a daily basis. Sometimes a person can qualify for both titles. I have learned a great deal about human nature, authenticity, illusions & love. In some instances, with the huge the help of birthday cards/books, written words and otherwise,
I had convinced myself that I have meant more to certain people than I actually ever did.

I have willingly and happily spent love & energy in a direction that was primarily one way, believing that down the road at some point, some year, that the tides would change and the flow would one day find balance. Well, not everything that we believe will come to fruition actually does. The relationship, one which I can honestly say, I gave my authentic self to in a routinely selfless way, was in my opinion a forever relationship. We spoke of raising our kids together. We discussed what it was going to be like when our families retired together. We annually spent holidays together. We share a lovely group of friends from both sides with whom have been very supportive in a private, ‘please don’t let on that I’ve called you, please don’t repeat this’ kind of way. We will likely find ourselves at parties, vacation spots, etc… together and ultimately we will continue to be in each others
force fields whether we want to be or not. Her friends continue to contact me and my friends remain hers, our husbands are good friends.  Our social circles are simply designed in a way that will see that happen into the future. So… it is what it is and life goes on. We are adults. We have social graces.
It will be fine.

Life goes on. Life unfolds and if witnessing that woman by her husband’s grave on Christmas Day
taught me anything, it taught me that life is too short. Life is too short to hang on to ‘what ifs’ & ‘how comes’.  Onwards and upwards, lessons under the belt and scars to prove we were there and we lived to tell about it. If seeing that woman by her husband’s grave gave me one sacred take away it is the reminder that forever does not exist. We can romanticize the notion of something, let it be love, life or friendship being forever but the truth is that tomorrow is a new day and with it comes new light which will shift the shadows that were there the day before and cast new ones where you never dreamed there would ever be one.

At the end of the day the only love you can count on is the love you give. For reasons that will make sense and sometimes won’t, love can be given, taken and redirected without notice. Forever is an illusion that comforts us in a world where the only thing that stays the same is change.

While the world and Hallmark prepares to insight mass anxiety over the need to be loved, find love, give love, I will quietly remember that love is truly about accepting yourself and those around you for who they are, where they are and why they are. Enjoy what you have, while you have it.
True love is unconditional and lame imitations need not apply. The myth about love, friendship and forever is only cruel if you forget who you are and why we are here... to love and be loved.

love & light,

t.

Letting Go

 Just those two words paired together puts a knot in my stomach. Letting. Go. Yes, they really do which is quite amazing considering I am the queen of letting go and moving on. If something isn't serving me or no longer nourishes me, I find it easy to cut it loose and not miss a beat. It's true, whether it be a pair of shoes, an idea or a relationship, watch out, I know how to let go.

I suppose I learned to let go at an early age due to the fact that our family was constantly moving around. I went to eleven elementary schools in 5 different cities and 15 different houses by the time I was 14. I learned early that nothing stays the same and to be very cautious where to lay roots or invest my love and friendship. That being said, it is clear to me why my circle of bffs is extremely small and made up of a amazing, loving women.

At this point in my life, however, I am tired of letting go. I have done it enough times now that I am quite delighted with where my life is, and who is in it. I really am done with the 'letting go' thing. I am especially not ever happy to let go of anyone that I love and adore, especially when the letting go is due to the fact that someone is relocating to a new city.



(Ugh... insert big sigh, stomach knot and eyes that are holding back tears, here.)

I know you have had a moment in life when you meet someone and the two of you just click. You both know that in that moment that other person has without any accreditation, purpose or experience, has earned a seat at your table reserved for your bffs. You just know they will earn it along the way, but you know innately that they belong there, and will always have their name on a piece of your heart.

Four years ago, this happened to me for the first time in nearly a decade. I was at Hollyburn, our local club, and I met a girl there that also had kids and was new to town, and we chatted and realized that we had a lot in common. Within a few weeks we were arranging coffee dates for us, never mind play dates for our children!

Our friendship grew and plateaued for the first couple of years, as we had children in different schools, but by the 2.5 year mark, we were as thick as thieves and we knew we shared a very unique and special connection. From that point on we grew closer and closer to the point that we made a point of talking or texting nearly everyday. There has truly never been anyone else that I have ever been so contactful with other than my husband and children.

Needless to say, both of our other bffs remained equally as special to us, but as for mine, they all either work full time or live in a different province or an island away. Having a bff in my own neighbourhood has been a new and amazing experience that I am ever so grateful for. Don't get me wrong, I have many other good friends in my community that I am very fond of and grateful for, but a BFF has seen you at your worst, your best, and your most vulnerable... and they love and accept you for all of it. That is a tall order...

Well, it was incredibly sweet while it lasted. Fortunately and unfortunately, my new dear friend, who I will call 'B', along with her awesome husband and family, made the business decision to return to the city and province in which they last moved from for the sake of a fantastic business opportunity that they simply could not turn down. I am delight for them as a family and for the opportunity that they have in front of them and I say that honestly with a heart full of hope for them. I on the other hand have a definite heartbreak going on.

 Trust me, I know change is good. I know that everything happens for a reason and I know that 'B' and I will be friends for life and there after, but it does not take away the sting of letting go of having this person in my day to day life. Distance is a funny thing... you can be a 30 minute drive from someone and that distance simply puts enough space between you that you cannot manage to be in each other's weeks. I realize skype exsists. I know the phone is there, but nothing is as nourishing as a hug from someone who truly matters to you. Nothing compares...

So, I once again am learning how to let go of something & someone incredibly special to me. I know it is not a good bye... not even a possiblity! I just know that like everything else in life, our friendship as we know it is evolving. Am I looking forward to quartly flights to Calgary? No! Am I looking forward to hanging our with her and her family watching movies and chilling on their couch... hell yes!

Life is so precious, and there are so many superficial people in the world, that when you meet one of the golden ones, it is such a gift, they are the reason we put ourselves out there to love and be loved.
Even if our good bye was for good, the blessings that I have been given by this friendship and sisterhood far surpass any gift I ever thought I would know.

So what is the lesson here? What is my take away? Well, I suppose that I remember that letting go doesn't necessarily have the finality that my past 'letting go' has had. I am able to redefine in my mind and heart that letting go simply means that our evolution is constant and as we evolve our world will look different, like it or not. I have made and received such a beautiful investment of friendship, that even if I never saw 'B' again, my heart has enough love for her and from her to sustain our friendship going forward. Now isn't that something to rejoice... Once a beloved, always a beloved.

Mostly, I have learned that letting go has not hurt me this much in decades, which proves to me that those relationships did not have the depth to deserve my sorrow. They certainly were worth the lessons I learned, but I know for certain that sometimes a little pain is actually a beautiful affirmation that you have experienced something real and truly beautiful.

There is a gift in the pain of letting go. It means that whatever is leaving mattered.


Wishing you love & light,

t.

The Gratitude Process

There is not a day go by that we as humans, do not want for something. It is often a minor thing, like a hot cup of Chai. Yet, at times it can be something that would prove to be life changing. Normally, depending on the magnitude of the want, we either attend the craving by obtaining whatever it was that we wanted; however, the larger ‘wants’ seem to go unsatiated and we go on wishing for something to come or way or to happen for us.

Many people believe in positive visualization or they believe that somethings are just not attainable for them in this lifetime. There are a multitude of reasons why people settle for going without what they want. Often times, we feel that the dream is too big or that we are somehow undeserving. There are those that truly believe that they are just not ‘lucky’ enough to get what they want.

The truth is this; there is no luck. I love the Oprah quote,  “Luck is when preparation meets opportunity.” I didn’t quite understand the quote at first. It took me a few weeks of processing and relating the quote to my personal experience before I was able to fully appreciate the logic. It goes without saying if you want to be a chef, you need to do the ground work and educate yourself on cooking. I get that. What took me time to grasp was how that logic applied to me.

I know plenty of people who honestly seem to have an easier ride in this life, than most. They ‘seem’ to have things and opportunities arrive at their door, seeking them out, instead of the other way around. I remember the day I sat down with one of those people and I basically interviewed them on how they managed to live and create what I can only label as a ‘charmed life.’ The answer I was given changed my life from that day forward. I took their words and advice and added some wisdom that I already had and I have employed them together, ever since. Have I lived a ‘charmed life’ as a result? Not necessarily. Do I feel that my well is full and that I am living a life that I adore and appreciate? Absolutely!

I refer to this process as the “Gratitude Process’:

There is no safe guarded secret or ancient recipe that I was given, rather, I was given a set of tools which serve me well. Do I always attract what I hope to? Not always and not exactly, but what I do attract is what is best for me and my journey at that point in my life. There is a great saying…”Thank goodness for unanswered prayers!” Sometimes what we think we want is not what will best serve our better good, and it turns out in the long run that we are grateful that what we prayed for did not find us.

The first piece of sage advice I was given was to remember that life is not perfect. Not everything will always look like we had hoped; however, if we stay true to the course, it is usually revealed that we received exactly what we needed at that time. We need to remember to go with the flow and to not get hung up on the plans we had made, rather, appreciate what we have at any given time.

The second tool that is absolutely essential to acknowledge is that if you are thinking it, you are feeding it energy, and that is where the beginning and ending of most everything starts… in your thoughts. For example, if you want a new bike, you need to start utilizing positive visualization. You need to imagine yourself at the store purchasing the bike you want. Then you need to imagine riding ‘your’ bike. Imagine how it feels under you. Picture yourself putting it away after a great ride. You truly need to experience having it in your mind.

Once you have accepted that although you wanted a blue bike, you just may have to settle with a red one. Once you have experienced the ‘feeling’ of owning it you then need to talk about it. Discuss with your friends your intentions of owning this bike. Tell them how you intend on paying for it, where your first ride is going to be and how excited you are about having it. Really by discussing it out loud, you are verbalizing it to the universe that you want this ‘thing’. You need to remember, that if you do not set your clear intention and let the universe know, how will the universe provide for you?

A major key to this powerful equation is that you need to be full of gratitude for what you do have. You cannot be hung up on not having this item that you want for. You need to first make peace with what you have has served you well and that if this other ‘want’ does not come to fruition, that you are equally at peace with that. By letting it go before you even have it is such an important part of obtaining what you want. If you were to get obsessed with the want, it will become a negative experience for you and you will end up surrounded by your own negative energy which will not only repel what you ‘want’ but also the people around you.

Finally, you need to go after what you want. You need to seek out whatever it is that you need to achieve in order to have the wanted thing. You need to do the preparation in order to be in a good place to receive the thing when it comes along. Preparation meets Opportunity. Be prepared. What I find incredibly beautiful about this step, is that half the time, you have done the preparation without even knowing it or you completed it years ago without giving it any thought how it would benefit you in your future!

So to recap; you want to accept that what you wish for may look different than what you think you want. You need to positively visualize and imagine what it will be like to have the think that you are after. You need to share your intentions with the universe so that the universe can help to provide you with what would be of service to you and finally you need to be absolutely grateful and humble for what you do have and you must accept that perhaps the thing you think you want, may not be in line with what is best for you at this time in your life. Once you have completed your preparation, you are ready to receive. That may sound like many steps, but I cannot explain to you, how easy this process is or how often it has worked for me personally.

To give you an idea of what I am talking about, here is a recent example of how ‘the process’ has served me.

Besides owning my own jewelry design company, I have otherwise been out of the work force for exactly 10 years. A whole decade has passed and I have not been on anyone else’s payroll, except my own. Ten years is a long time to be out of the work force. Things have changed in my previous field of work. I have spent that past decade having children and nurturing them into the school system where they are presently flourishing. I, on the other hand have been craving to wet my feet again and rejoin the work force in some capacity. I have been toying with the idea for about a year now.

Six months ago, I spoke about my intention to seek some sort of employment for the first time. Since then I have inquired a few times about a few different jobs but at the end of the day, their needs did not match up to my availability. I have school aged children. I need to be there to drop them off at school and there to pick them up after school. There are stat holidays, easter and spring breaks, and then of course the two months off each summer where they of course are 100% my priority. I kept thinking to myself that I would love to find a part time job, but I was very doubtful about someone hiring me with my limited availability.  Then of course there was is my need for financial benefit. Unless I feel like I am making decent money, why would I work somewhere part time? It would make no fiscal sense.

Fast forward to one month ago. I was sitting on my deck, designing jewelry when I remembered my ‘Gratitude Process’. I felt like kicking myself for taking so long to remember how important it is to me and how well it has served me over the years. I immediately put down what I was doing. I pulled out my yoga mat. I went through some poses and began to meditate. I focussed on the perfect job. I decided in that moment that I wanted to be someone’s ‘girl friday’, a professional assistant, an executive assistant with a strong personal assistant gear. I began to imagine how valuable I could be to the right person. I focussed on what I could do for someone, rather than what they could do for me. I considered the multifaceted nature of my experience and skill set and I imagined how beneficial that could be to someone. I made the decision right there that I was going to approach two different people that I knew and pitch them my offer to work for them. Both individuals I knew well and respected. I had also decided that I needed to know the person I was going to work for because I knew I only wanted to invest my time, energy and love into someone that I could sincerely care for. The first person I approached took no time to shut me down. They simply did not have the room on their payroll for anyone else at this point. So, I went to the second person on my list and they were gracious to hear me out. They were thoughtful while I pitched my idea and they actually were intrigued and agreed that at some point in the near future they would call on me and we could set up an arrangement. A month later and I had heard nothing from them. I took that as a time to let go and let the universe provide me if and when this ‘want’ was going to be in my best interest.

I had let the idea go last Saturday, and on this past Thursday is when I saw one of my friend’s twitter feeds. She was advertising that she needed a part time Executive Assistant who could also cross over into a little personal assistant work. I could not believe my eyes. There it was! Someone I knew, liked and respected, needing exactly what I want to do in the capacity in which I was available to do it. I applied right then and there. I heard from her the next day. We arranged to go for a walk to discuss the position and both of our different sets of needs. Today was the day we walked. I found her needs were within my realm of knowledge and my needs which were mostly about the time I needed to be with my children. On every count that I was concerned was going to put a wedge between me and this job, it actually was a none issue and in fact worked well with this person’s schedule. I could not believe my ears. The more this amazing women spoke about what her hopes were for the position the more excited I became. Right there in front of me was the person and the job I had been visualizing. Once again the ‘Gratitude Process’ worked. Again, it did not come to fruition in the way I had planned or in the timing I had originally wanted, but it arrived in it’s own divine timing.

As it turned out, I was one of a dozen different applicants, and I was told that I was one of a couple that were actually in the running for the job. Both the other applicants and I had a different set of skills, and what I thought was going to be hurting my cause actually helped me to get the job. My age… Forty years old and out of the work force for ten years… instead of seeing me as out of the work force, it was seen as ready for a challenge after a good rest. My age was seen as a mature and responsible person. The time off I needed was also time off that my new employer also needs. Money was not an issue and I feel fabulous and appreciated by my new salary.

You simply never know what is around the corner waiting for you. You never know how you or what you think are issues, will actually be perceived. Here I had this great
process and I spent 6 months forgetting about it. Then I allowed negative chat to enter my head which worked against me for another 6 months. Not until I remembered to value myself and all that I bring to the table, was the universe able to provide for me. Half of the experience that makes me valuable to this position are tools and experience I gained between 10 & 15 years ago. I was preparing for this job without even knowing it.

I cannot help but wonder what this new job will be preparing me for. I don’t know. What I do know is that I am excited to step out into this new chapter of my journey.
I can hardly wait for tomorrow to get here so that I can jump in with two feet and begin to hopefully inspire and to be inspired.

I encourage and invite you to give some thought to the process you evoke when you want something. Does it work for you? Do you have an ‘attitude of gratitude’?
Do you think that perhaps you have room in your repertoire to try out the ‘Gratitude Process’? I promise you that life feels lighter and brighter when you are thankful for what you have, where you are and who you are with.

Namaste,

Tiffany