Letting Go

 Just those two words paired together puts a knot in my stomach. Letting. Go. Yes, they really do which is quite amazing considering I am the queen of letting go and moving on. If something isn't serving me or no longer nourishes me, I find it easy to cut it loose and not miss a beat. It's true, whether it be a pair of shoes, an idea or a relationship, watch out, I know how to let go.

I suppose I learned to let go at an early age due to the fact that our family was constantly moving around. I went to eleven elementary schools in 5 different cities and 15 different houses by the time I was 14. I learned early that nothing stays the same and to be very cautious where to lay roots or invest my love and friendship. That being said, it is clear to me why my circle of bffs is extremely small and made up of a amazing, loving women.

At this point in my life, however, I am tired of letting go. I have done it enough times now that I am quite delighted with where my life is, and who is in it. I really am done with the 'letting go' thing. I am especially not ever happy to let go of anyone that I love and adore, especially when the letting go is due to the fact that someone is relocating to a new city.



(Ugh... insert big sigh, stomach knot and eyes that are holding back tears, here.)

I know you have had a moment in life when you meet someone and the two of you just click. You both know that in that moment that other person has without any accreditation, purpose or experience, has earned a seat at your table reserved for your bffs. You just know they will earn it along the way, but you know innately that they belong there, and will always have their name on a piece of your heart.

Four years ago, this happened to me for the first time in nearly a decade. I was at Hollyburn, our local club, and I met a girl there that also had kids and was new to town, and we chatted and realized that we had a lot in common. Within a few weeks we were arranging coffee dates for us, never mind play dates for our children!

Our friendship grew and plateaued for the first couple of years, as we had children in different schools, but by the 2.5 year mark, we were as thick as thieves and we knew we shared a very unique and special connection. From that point on we grew closer and closer to the point that we made a point of talking or texting nearly everyday. There has truly never been anyone else that I have ever been so contactful with other than my husband and children.

Needless to say, both of our other bffs remained equally as special to us, but as for mine, they all either work full time or live in a different province or an island away. Having a bff in my own neighbourhood has been a new and amazing experience that I am ever so grateful for. Don't get me wrong, I have many other good friends in my community that I am very fond of and grateful for, but a BFF has seen you at your worst, your best, and your most vulnerable... and they love and accept you for all of it. That is a tall order...

Well, it was incredibly sweet while it lasted. Fortunately and unfortunately, my new dear friend, who I will call 'B', along with her awesome husband and family, made the business decision to return to the city and province in which they last moved from for the sake of a fantastic business opportunity that they simply could not turn down. I am delight for them as a family and for the opportunity that they have in front of them and I say that honestly with a heart full of hope for them. I on the other hand have a definite heartbreak going on.

 Trust me, I know change is good. I know that everything happens for a reason and I know that 'B' and I will be friends for life and there after, but it does not take away the sting of letting go of having this person in my day to day life. Distance is a funny thing... you can be a 30 minute drive from someone and that distance simply puts enough space between you that you cannot manage to be in each other's weeks. I realize skype exsists. I know the phone is there, but nothing is as nourishing as a hug from someone who truly matters to you. Nothing compares...

So, I once again am learning how to let go of something & someone incredibly special to me. I know it is not a good bye... not even a possiblity! I just know that like everything else in life, our friendship as we know it is evolving. Am I looking forward to quartly flights to Calgary? No! Am I looking forward to hanging our with her and her family watching movies and chilling on their couch... hell yes!

Life is so precious, and there are so many superficial people in the world, that when you meet one of the golden ones, it is such a gift, they are the reason we put ourselves out there to love and be loved.
Even if our good bye was for good, the blessings that I have been given by this friendship and sisterhood far surpass any gift I ever thought I would know.

So what is the lesson here? What is my take away? Well, I suppose that I remember that letting go doesn't necessarily have the finality that my past 'letting go' has had. I am able to redefine in my mind and heart that letting go simply means that our evolution is constant and as we evolve our world will look different, like it or not. I have made and received such a beautiful investment of friendship, that even if I never saw 'B' again, my heart has enough love for her and from her to sustain our friendship going forward. Now isn't that something to rejoice... Once a beloved, always a beloved.

Mostly, I have learned that letting go has not hurt me this much in decades, which proves to me that those relationships did not have the depth to deserve my sorrow. They certainly were worth the lessons I learned, but I know for certain that sometimes a little pain is actually a beautiful affirmation that you have experienced something real and truly beautiful.

There is a gift in the pain of letting go. It means that whatever is leaving mattered.


Wishing you love & light,

t.

September's Promise

Looking back on what was a fantastic summer filled with friends and family, I deeply appreciate the many memories of connection and exploring. I cherish the time spent with my own children. The Silver Fox and I made a conscience decision to not put our children into summer camps this year, rather, we chose to make the most of each week by spending each day with them. We chose to do this because last summer we didn't have the same opportunity and we missed them. This year the choice was made with the fact that the youngest begins Kindergarten this year and our time together with him will be radically less. I totally support those who choose to summer camp their kids, and I will likely be among then next year, but this year was exactly what we had hoped for and made for the perfect summer for our family.

September is looming and with her she brings the promise of routine and renewed commitment to schedules and bedtimes. Soon the days will not be of my own whim, rather, I will be chained to a bell schedule that demands where my children need to be for 6 hours a day. No longer will I be the one to decide how are days are spent. This is when I have a hard time sharing... when it comes to my kids, I like to have them to myself.

I am not blind to the fact that I am also gaining a gateway into time for myself. What that means for me should be a blissful prospect, but I also acknowledge with it comes a huge responsibility. All of a sudden I am no longer a stay at home mom of 2 small children that are at home with me, it no longer applies. For sure I have my own business, but again, that is home based. I am now a free agent so to speak. I join the ranks of the veteran moms who have both children in school.

What I can say with certainty is that my time will be spent a little selfishly at first. I am going to reclaim my old gym schedule. Oh how we have missed each other. It has been far too long since I have been able to spend that kind of time on myself. I am going to finish the baby books I started for my children, or the one I meant to start for my son. Oops! I am going to connect with the friends I have lovingly ignored while raising my kids into Kindergarten. One of the most exciting prospects is that I will be able to have a  chunk of time in the day where I am not constantly looking at my watch and wondering which Pre-school I need to be at Stat! 3pm is soon to become my new best friend.

The past 8 years since my first child was born has felt like a long time, and as my second child enters to the school system I feel like I am observing a milestone and that I have earned some sort of badge. I really feel like I am about to graduate from this massive chapter in my life. I have been told by a few people that I should go for a massage the first week the kids go back to school in honour of the celebration, but what I really feel like I should be doing is getting on my knees and saying a deeply felt prayer of gratitude to the universe. We made it! All the way to Kindergarten and grade 3 with no major injuries. No major dramas. Always lots of food on the table, the roof over our head and so far no direct need that my kids should be in therapy! Whoo hoo! Success! ;) In all seriousness, I do feel totally grateful for the health and well being of my children and that so far their lives have been the kind that the Silver Fox and I have wished for them. Not a day goes by that I am not grateful for our abundance of love and light.

It is hard to believe that Christmas is merely 4 months away. You know what that means...ski season, people!
Just had to throw that in there. It is after all my fav time of the year. It will also mark the end of a remarkable year. September feels like the beginning of a new year also. The newness and refreshing of all that we have let slide for 2 months. I can't wait. Happy September. Happy New Year.

Love & Light,

t.

ps- please keep the prayers coming for Sean. we still really need them. <3

Balance...

To know me is to know that I live a life surrounded by love, while loving the things that surround me. Life is so interesting in so many ways. With so much love there had to be Balance along the way.My life is full of gifts and blessings are boundless and of course with them come the lessons that make us grow. I wish I could say that they were painless but today I can tell you that they are not always. It is so hard to find something, an outlet whether it be creative or otherwise that inspires you, drives you or reminds you of who you are or who you are capable of being. It is more difficult when you have to let it go. Whether it be a drumming circle you love to be apart of, yet your back cannot handle the weight of the drum, whether it be a friend that invokes a part of your spirit that is unavailable, or whether it be an experience which you cannot afford or whether it is knowing that someone you love is ill and the remedy seems unattainable. It doesn't matter the circumstance, rather, it is the feeling of letting go something that had once made you dream. On this dreary Vancouver day, the exact kind of day that usually inspires me to dance naked in the rain, I am in a place of contemplation. Giving thanks for all, grieving the things that weren't meant to be, and wrestling with the things that I wish I could control. After spending yesterday on such a high, surrounded by people who are battling cancer and those who have survived, I spend today humbled by their spirit and courage, and feel shameful for feeling anything but gratitude for the blessings in my life. Tears have been my constant companion today- this year has brought me so much beauty and I am overwhelmed in away that finds my cheeks soaked as I type. With everything there is Balance, and today is the day where the shadows have creeped in and I only have energy to welcome them. Balance. The shadows arrive so that we may remember how glorious the light feels when it finds us. Today is a day of reckoning. A day of remembering who we are, who we want to be, and what we are modeling for our children. It can be so difficult to remember that when we choose these roles as friends, mothers, wives, daughters and mavericks. When we sign on to take these roles we are committing to sacrifice what is necessary for the greater good of those roles in our life. It is one of those small details that can smack you in the face when you find yourself on a path that you have arrived upon too soon in your journey or on a path that was never meant for you. Having to turn around and navigate back to your authentic self's path can be staggering, confusing and a real exercise in blind faith in our karmic belief of our destiny. This journey we so often talk about is the grandest display of Balance that we could possibly ask for. So many of my beloveds are facing real life issues right now, everything from cancer, divorce, unemployment, deaths, breakdowns and more. On the flip side, I have beloveds expecting babies, getting promotions, building new houses, planning weddings and having life changing breakthroughs. There is that word again, Balance. Our journeys may seem so different yet there really aren't. We just take turns exploring the peaks and valleys of this life. I have said that we come into this world alone, and we leave the same way. I take it back. I have seen and felt things in people that I cannot explain yet they have made me believe that we are never alone. Some kindred spirits find us again- remind us that they are here in our hearts and before we know it they are gone again- though their presence may be brief it is there long enough to remind us in this lifetime that we are not without them and vise versa. Letting go would be intolerable without this gift of remembering. On days where the tears just won't dry, at some point you just have to welcome them and let them cleanse your spirit. Let them wash away any misguided regret and allow these moments to be the ones where you reground yourself and rest so that you may wake up tomorrow able to brush yourself off and start fresh with the promise that each new day offers. Today is one of those days I find comfort in tragic beauty. The video I have attached is one of those tragically beautiful songs, where most of the words speak to my spirit and speak of good byes my spirit cannot say. Never say good bye, just say until we meet again. xo t.