Recollection & Renewal

On the eve of 2015, I find my thoughts wandering back into the year behind us, reflecting on all
of the teachers and challenges that found me and that I found this year. Looking back is always bittersweet. Each year there are always unexpected treasures and delights that you could never have dreamed of for yourself and then there are the heartaches that you could not have fathomed would ever darken your doorstep. In both instances, we surface the other side with a greater capacity for love and endurance.

Although, I will always choose love and light and to focus on the gifts and the blessings. This year
did offer so much beauty to focus on, but it did not come without challenging my commitment to remain positive in the face of fear and change.

While 2014 hosted a multitude of absolutely amazing opportunities and adventures, it also presented
several life altering situations. On the side of beauty, we had three new babies in our family both
immediate and extended, with a couple more on the way. We were privileged enough to visit some of our family’s favourite places and were lucky enough to be there with our dear friends and loved ones.
We enjoyed the luxuries of many epic concert experiences, traveling in our motor home,
hosting visiting family and friends, birthday celebrations, accomplished goals, creating new bonds with great friends, experiencing and witnessing the successes in our home and of our beloveds and having opportunities to further nourish life long friendships.

We have had our share of true joy this year but as I mentioned, the joy was even more wonderful when it enveloped us because we were also visited by several challenges that had us counting our blessings and praying for more to come. I have to think that we are coming to an age where health issues are more prevalent amongst our parents and their friends, but also in our own circle of friends.

The year was quite smooth until the summer arrived and one of my dearest friends moved out of province. It is always difficult when a loved one moves away, but it is especially difficult to face when it is someone who is in your day to day life. All of a sudden you wake up one morning and your
living your life without seeing or hearing from that person in the same way that once provided you
a constant sounding board, comrade and partner in coffee and crime. It was a huge adjustment which
took a larger toll than I had anticipated.

My heart was healing when word arrived that a dear friend had suddenly passed away. There
was no warning. It was a freak accident. They were here one day and gone the next. It was shocking, horrifying and totally blindsiding. It was another loss that took a large toll and left a huge hole in our community of friends.  There are no words I can call on to convey how gutted we all were.

This summer was lovely and then again, all hell broke loose. This past fall, in as many weeks, I found out that three of my very dear, beloved girl friends are fighting cancer. Just when you think that you can handle the fear that follows the journey of cancer treatment with one of your nearest and dearest, you find out that wait, you have two friends fighting the fight, but then you wake up one morning to that phone call you just want to believe is a dream or nightmare… but you realize that the reality is that you have three of your own fighting for their lives. Except for the grace of deep rooted strength and not having a choice, you muster up the courage and put on your game face and you go into battle leading the charge. That old saying ‘never let them see you sweat’ should be revamped to say ‘never let them see you sweat, cry, worry or your fear’.

When it comes to life, nothing is as important as good health. Of course there is never a good time to
get this kind of news, but on the heals of these revelations, I was kicked hard when I was down, and was literally disowned by someone I had considered more than a best friend. My family was her family and vice versa, until one day she decided she was ‘done’. You can imagine the emotional challenge; however, there is something very amazing about divine timing. When you are dealing with life and death in such a major way, and then forced to deal with someone’s fickle and flakey dismissal of your love and friendship, it is all put into perspective in a major way, really fast. That said, loss is loss any loss requires and deserves an appropriate amount of grieving. It is what it is and it was what it was… just not what I thought it was. My bad.

With friends coming and going, fighting for their lives, dying, divorcing, moving away, moving closer, losing loved ones, aging parents, launching businesses, buying and selling vehicles and vacation investments with the added blessings and stresses of everyday struggles that are all apart of daily life, to say the least it was an interesting year by any standards, which had me constantly battling the urge to leave the present moment rather than relishing the comfort that one can find when living in the moment.

As individuals we know ourselves. We know what we are capable of handling. By autumn I knew I was about at my limit when even more news of poor health arrived to us, surrounding other loved ones. I knew that I had to stay in the light and focus on the facts and not the what ifs. That is precisely where I have forced myself to remain until treatment strategies and surgeries are behind us. We are still presently in that holding pattern. It makes one feel weak and
useless while literally several of you close loved ones are battling for their life and quality of life, and you are stranded on the sidelines, unable to do anything of consequence.

With all of the goodness of 2014 and the challenges that arrived on the heels of so many blessings, it made it very easy to give deep gratitude for our health, the health of our children and the life that has given us so much to enjoy. Where this past year was so lovely and joyful, it was also extremely emotional and has left us in a state of limbo in many ways. While we hang on for many happy endings, we wait with bated breath as the uncertainty that crept up upon us in 2014 is grandfathered into 2015, despite the lack of invitation.

My hope and focus for 2015 is for good health, not just for myself and my immediate family, but for all of my loved ones and for all of yours. In light of this year and the lessons it brought, I am recommitted more than ever to bring health to the forefront of my life and that of my family’s. It pains me to admit it, but I have not made overall health in every aspect of our lives, the priority that it needs and deserves to be. I try hard and often succeed in being a positive role model for the children in my life, but I know I can do better.

With all of the above information laid out there, it goes without saying that my goal for 2015 is to bring my health to where it needs to be. With all of the details above comes a responsibility to know better and to do better. Life is such a gift but in no way is it a given. There is a fine line between living and being alive, but once you cross that line into living fully, the rewards are ample and they provide a greater experience in an already miraculous world.

My wish for you is to always remain focussed on the light that causes any shadow that finds you. Remember that there are gifts in every challenge despite the anchor of pain that might keep you from immediately realizing it. The gifts are always worth the trials that you sometimes have to endure.

Wishing you love & light in 2015,

t.

Letting Go

 Just those two words paired together puts a knot in my stomach. Letting. Go. Yes, they really do which is quite amazing considering I am the queen of letting go and moving on. If something isn't serving me or no longer nourishes me, I find it easy to cut it loose and not miss a beat. It's true, whether it be a pair of shoes, an idea or a relationship, watch out, I know how to let go.

I suppose I learned to let go at an early age due to the fact that our family was constantly moving around. I went to eleven elementary schools in 5 different cities and 15 different houses by the time I was 14. I learned early that nothing stays the same and to be very cautious where to lay roots or invest my love and friendship. That being said, it is clear to me why my circle of bffs is extremely small and made up of a amazing, loving women.

At this point in my life, however, I am tired of letting go. I have done it enough times now that I am quite delighted with where my life is, and who is in it. I really am done with the 'letting go' thing. I am especially not ever happy to let go of anyone that I love and adore, especially when the letting go is due to the fact that someone is relocating to a new city.



(Ugh... insert big sigh, stomach knot and eyes that are holding back tears, here.)

I know you have had a moment in life when you meet someone and the two of you just click. You both know that in that moment that other person has without any accreditation, purpose or experience, has earned a seat at your table reserved for your bffs. You just know they will earn it along the way, but you know innately that they belong there, and will always have their name on a piece of your heart.

Four years ago, this happened to me for the first time in nearly a decade. I was at Hollyburn, our local club, and I met a girl there that also had kids and was new to town, and we chatted and realized that we had a lot in common. Within a few weeks we were arranging coffee dates for us, never mind play dates for our children!

Our friendship grew and plateaued for the first couple of years, as we had children in different schools, but by the 2.5 year mark, we were as thick as thieves and we knew we shared a very unique and special connection. From that point on we grew closer and closer to the point that we made a point of talking or texting nearly everyday. There has truly never been anyone else that I have ever been so contactful with other than my husband and children.

Needless to say, both of our other bffs remained equally as special to us, but as for mine, they all either work full time or live in a different province or an island away. Having a bff in my own neighbourhood has been a new and amazing experience that I am ever so grateful for. Don't get me wrong, I have many other good friends in my community that I am very fond of and grateful for, but a BFF has seen you at your worst, your best, and your most vulnerable... and they love and accept you for all of it. That is a tall order...

Well, it was incredibly sweet while it lasted. Fortunately and unfortunately, my new dear friend, who I will call 'B', along with her awesome husband and family, made the business decision to return to the city and province in which they last moved from for the sake of a fantastic business opportunity that they simply could not turn down. I am delight for them as a family and for the opportunity that they have in front of them and I say that honestly with a heart full of hope for them. I on the other hand have a definite heartbreak going on.

 Trust me, I know change is good. I know that everything happens for a reason and I know that 'B' and I will be friends for life and there after, but it does not take away the sting of letting go of having this person in my day to day life. Distance is a funny thing... you can be a 30 minute drive from someone and that distance simply puts enough space between you that you cannot manage to be in each other's weeks. I realize skype exsists. I know the phone is there, but nothing is as nourishing as a hug from someone who truly matters to you. Nothing compares...

So, I once again am learning how to let go of something & someone incredibly special to me. I know it is not a good bye... not even a possiblity! I just know that like everything else in life, our friendship as we know it is evolving. Am I looking forward to quartly flights to Calgary? No! Am I looking forward to hanging our with her and her family watching movies and chilling on their couch... hell yes!

Life is so precious, and there are so many superficial people in the world, that when you meet one of the golden ones, it is such a gift, they are the reason we put ourselves out there to love and be loved.
Even if our good bye was for good, the blessings that I have been given by this friendship and sisterhood far surpass any gift I ever thought I would know.

So what is the lesson here? What is my take away? Well, I suppose that I remember that letting go doesn't necessarily have the finality that my past 'letting go' has had. I am able to redefine in my mind and heart that letting go simply means that our evolution is constant and as we evolve our world will look different, like it or not. I have made and received such a beautiful investment of friendship, that even if I never saw 'B' again, my heart has enough love for her and from her to sustain our friendship going forward. Now isn't that something to rejoice... Once a beloved, always a beloved.

Mostly, I have learned that letting go has not hurt me this much in decades, which proves to me that those relationships did not have the depth to deserve my sorrow. They certainly were worth the lessons I learned, but I know for certain that sometimes a little pain is actually a beautiful affirmation that you have experienced something real and truly beautiful.

There is a gift in the pain of letting go. It means that whatever is leaving mattered.


Wishing you love & light,

t.