Happy Mother’s Day?

With Mother’s Day only a couple of days away, there are advertisements, commercials and reminders that prompt us to give thanks for our amazing mothers. I am always happy for the
people out there that are blessed to have mother’s worthy of thanks; however, what about the rest of us who cringe at the sentiment, who aren’t as fortunate?

There is an unsung community of us who are motherless children.
Whether it is because of dysfunctional and abusive childhoods that carried through until we left home, or because of toxic relationships, there is a subculture of adults who do not have the privilege of enjoying
happy memories of our mother’s love and tender care. Many of us don’t even know what tender care from a maternal figure would feel like. Perhaps it was just never to be? Is it possible that some of us were never meant to know that particular brand of love?

Prior to having my own children, I would dread Mother’s Day. I would avoid going out in public. I would not engage in media of any sort. I simply did not want or need to see the fairytale that would
never be mine. Whether it is all a facade or not, watching people celebrating this matriarch who represented love, protection and unconditional love, was all too heavy for my heart, which carried this specific weight all year long regardless.

You would think at a certain point or age it would get easier or less painful to live without having a mother to turn to, to trade recipes with or to get pedicures with. The truth is, it never gets easier. The older you get the more you realize how important family is and how important having a mother is or would be.

Once having my own children, I was horrified to know how my mother was able to mistreat me and how foreign that concept is to me, especially after experiencing the love that I have for my own children. I could never bestow that kind of reckless abuse upon anyone, never mind my own innocent children.

When I was pregnant with my first child I longed to have a healthy, vibrant, peaceful mother who would share in my pregnancy journey. When my child arrived, I yearned to have a mother to help guide me through the early days. More than anything though, I wanted to have a grandmother to dote upon my child, a grandmother to offer my children who would love and adore them, like I do. Was I to assume that It was not meant to be?

One day after having my second child I had this amazing epiphany. I realized that having my own children had gifted me the opportunity to reparent myself, byway of parenting my children in a way that I knew they deserved.
I didn’t know how to be a great parent, except to parent in a way I wished I had been parented. By loving my children so fully and completely, I have brought the maternal love I’ve always needed and craved, into my life. I have personally benefited from simply and innately loving my own children. It was not by design but rather, as a result of the copious amounts of love that I effortlessly bestow upon my children.

My children have been incredible gifts to me, to my life. I never knew though how they would heal my heart and free it from the weight of wanting.

Now, when people wish me a Happy Mother’s Day, I finally feel the blessing in the statement because I am no longer reminded of my motherless self, rather, I organically think about the maternal love that fills my life and my home. It doesn’t matter that it is a love that I have created. What matters and what I choose to focus on is that it is a true love that envelops my family, and that is where the blessing lives. My family has a matriarch. My family is showered in this love every single day. 

This year and every year going forward it will be a Happy Mother’s Day, because I now know a maternal love worth celebrating.

Happy Mother’s Day? Absolutely!


love & light,

t.

Recollection & Renewal

On the eve of 2015, I find my thoughts wandering back into the year behind us, reflecting on all
of the teachers and challenges that found me and that I found this year. Looking back is always bittersweet. Each year there are always unexpected treasures and delights that you could never have dreamed of for yourself and then there are the heartaches that you could not have fathomed would ever darken your doorstep. In both instances, we surface the other side with a greater capacity for love and endurance.

Although, I will always choose love and light and to focus on the gifts and the blessings. This year
did offer so much beauty to focus on, but it did not come without challenging my commitment to remain positive in the face of fear and change.

While 2014 hosted a multitude of absolutely amazing opportunities and adventures, it also presented
several life altering situations. On the side of beauty, we had three new babies in our family both
immediate and extended, with a couple more on the way. We were privileged enough to visit some of our family’s favourite places and were lucky enough to be there with our dear friends and loved ones.
We enjoyed the luxuries of many epic concert experiences, traveling in our motor home,
hosting visiting family and friends, birthday celebrations, accomplished goals, creating new bonds with great friends, experiencing and witnessing the successes in our home and of our beloveds and having opportunities to further nourish life long friendships.

We have had our share of true joy this year but as I mentioned, the joy was even more wonderful when it enveloped us because we were also visited by several challenges that had us counting our blessings and praying for more to come. I have to think that we are coming to an age where health issues are more prevalent amongst our parents and their friends, but also in our own circle of friends.

The year was quite smooth until the summer arrived and one of my dearest friends moved out of province. It is always difficult when a loved one moves away, but it is especially difficult to face when it is someone who is in your day to day life. All of a sudden you wake up one morning and your
living your life without seeing or hearing from that person in the same way that once provided you
a constant sounding board, comrade and partner in coffee and crime. It was a huge adjustment which
took a larger toll than I had anticipated.

My heart was healing when word arrived that a dear friend had suddenly passed away. There
was no warning. It was a freak accident. They were here one day and gone the next. It was shocking, horrifying and totally blindsiding. It was another loss that took a large toll and left a huge hole in our community of friends.  There are no words I can call on to convey how gutted we all were.

This summer was lovely and then again, all hell broke loose. This past fall, in as many weeks, I found out that three of my very dear, beloved girl friends are fighting cancer. Just when you think that you can handle the fear that follows the journey of cancer treatment with one of your nearest and dearest, you find out that wait, you have two friends fighting the fight, but then you wake up one morning to that phone call you just want to believe is a dream or nightmare… but you realize that the reality is that you have three of your own fighting for their lives. Except for the grace of deep rooted strength and not having a choice, you muster up the courage and put on your game face and you go into battle leading the charge. That old saying ‘never let them see you sweat’ should be revamped to say ‘never let them see you sweat, cry, worry or your fear’.

When it comes to life, nothing is as important as good health. Of course there is never a good time to
get this kind of news, but on the heals of these revelations, I was kicked hard when I was down, and was literally disowned by someone I had considered more than a best friend. My family was her family and vice versa, until one day she decided she was ‘done’. You can imagine the emotional challenge; however, there is something very amazing about divine timing. When you are dealing with life and death in such a major way, and then forced to deal with someone’s fickle and flakey dismissal of your love and friendship, it is all put into perspective in a major way, really fast. That said, loss is loss any loss requires and deserves an appropriate amount of grieving. It is what it is and it was what it was… just not what I thought it was. My bad.

With friends coming and going, fighting for their lives, dying, divorcing, moving away, moving closer, losing loved ones, aging parents, launching businesses, buying and selling vehicles and vacation investments with the added blessings and stresses of everyday struggles that are all apart of daily life, to say the least it was an interesting year by any standards, which had me constantly battling the urge to leave the present moment rather than relishing the comfort that one can find when living in the moment.

As individuals we know ourselves. We know what we are capable of handling. By autumn I knew I was about at my limit when even more news of poor health arrived to us, surrounding other loved ones. I knew that I had to stay in the light and focus on the facts and not the what ifs. That is precisely where I have forced myself to remain until treatment strategies and surgeries are behind us. We are still presently in that holding pattern. It makes one feel weak and
useless while literally several of you close loved ones are battling for their life and quality of life, and you are stranded on the sidelines, unable to do anything of consequence.

With all of the goodness of 2014 and the challenges that arrived on the heels of so many blessings, it made it very easy to give deep gratitude for our health, the health of our children and the life that has given us so much to enjoy. Where this past year was so lovely and joyful, it was also extremely emotional and has left us in a state of limbo in many ways. While we hang on for many happy endings, we wait with bated breath as the uncertainty that crept up upon us in 2014 is grandfathered into 2015, despite the lack of invitation.

My hope and focus for 2015 is for good health, not just for myself and my immediate family, but for all of my loved ones and for all of yours. In light of this year and the lessons it brought, I am recommitted more than ever to bring health to the forefront of my life and that of my family’s. It pains me to admit it, but I have not made overall health in every aspect of our lives, the priority that it needs and deserves to be. I try hard and often succeed in being a positive role model for the children in my life, but I know I can do better.

With all of the above information laid out there, it goes without saying that my goal for 2015 is to bring my health to where it needs to be. With all of the details above comes a responsibility to know better and to do better. Life is such a gift but in no way is it a given. There is a fine line between living and being alive, but once you cross that line into living fully, the rewards are ample and they provide a greater experience in an already miraculous world.

My wish for you is to always remain focussed on the light that causes any shadow that finds you. Remember that there are gifts in every challenge despite the anchor of pain that might keep you from immediately realizing it. The gifts are always worth the trials that you sometimes have to endure.

Wishing you love & light in 2015,

t.

Until We Meet Again

This week my family experienced another great lesson in saying good-bye.
After nearly sixteen years together we had to bid farewell to our 'first child' our Siberian Husky. Indulge me as I write with a heavy heart today...

For several years we had been watching our beautiful Nakina gradually slow down and in the past year, watching each day age her by a month. It has recently been a rapid decline and we were faced with the question whether we were keeping her around for ourselves or was she actually still enjoying life. Clearly this past week it was obvious that the her fun in life was no longer.

All sadness and tears aside, looking back I have to say that this dog who was much more like a cat in her aloof and feline ways, and she was in fact a great teacher to me believe it or not.

When we first got her she was this little ball of fur that was cheeky, she made sport of biting me and she would not let us ever, ever cuddle her unless she was in the mood that was a rare occasion. Her name was Nakina. She was beyond beautiful and she was quite a bitch when she felt like it. :) She pranced around like she owned the place and she was agility rivalled that of those in the Circ. She could and would run like the wind and do back flips off the backs of other dogs. She truly was a gymnist. She also knew she was beautiful and she knew how to play the boys... especially one boy... my husband.

I often referred to 'Kina as 'The Other Woman'. She had my husband wrapped around her finger. In his eyes, from the day we got her, she could do no wrong. She knew it too. She would flaunt her power over him in front of me every chance she got. She had swagger, serious swagger.

The lessons she brought were simple. She never settled for less than what she was after. Whether it was walk, a scratch or a face full of love... she got it, in her time, on time and for a perfect amount of time.

Nakina was protective of her space. She made time for herself, she had her space and she protected it. She would not compromise what she felt was right for her in any given moment and would defend her choices and was vocal about it. She would literally stamp her feet and talk to you while doing it. She would tell you right off if you didn't listen to her.

'Kina taught me how to be selfless. I cannot tell you how many trips to the island I have missed and missed seeing my girls over there because I had this dog to care for. I have had this dog since I was 23 years old. That may sound irrelevant but those are prime years of bonding for a woman. I literally used to have to miss girls trips... ask my best friends... they'll back me on this... that feline of a dog taught me to get over myself and my own needs in a hurry.

Honestly, she taught me how to love on a level a didn't know I had in me at that young age. She showed me that there was more to life than just me... in the same way my children did but on a different scale.  She prepared me for motherhood. Sounds funny but she truly did. I cannot tell you what it was like to have my first child and bring her home to meet Kina. From the first moment they met, Nakina would stand between anyone and my daughter when they came to meet her. She acted like another mother for my daughter the way she protected her. I never worried as some people do when they bring babies home to meet their animals. You see, Kina was never an animal to us. She was a teacher, a protector and a privilege to have as a part of our family. She was a privilege.

Finally, she has taught my children how to say good-bye. Saying good-bye is never easy, especially when you are trying to teach young children about death. But when you have 16 years with someone, and they have taught you as much as Nakina has taught and given to us, it is easy to step aside and appreciate all that we shared and to be able to give her the gift of peace. Pain free, challenge free, peace. She deserves to not have to suffer. She deserved a loving and peaceful passing, and after giving all of us so much love and many life lessons, it was our turn to bless her with love and light as she transitioned.

Always loved, never forgotten. Rest in Peace our sweet Princess Kina.

Love & Light,

t.

Thank You 2012

Being up the Sunshine Coast here, resting in our family’s cabin, it is easy to forget the hectic schedule that December delivers. Here, from a cozy chair I can gaze out the window and watch boats sail by, eagles soar and I am easily enveloped by the tranquility that this sacred place offers .

Sharing this peaceful time with my family,  including my husband’s parents has been a beautiful reprieve. It is lovely to hunker down and just be. The children are in their element. There is no place that they love more, or people that they adore more, so being up here has been the perfect medicine for all of us.

My in-laws left today and were only here for a quick overnighter. So it returns as it is each year at this time, there are just the four of us and our dogs up here to say good bye to the year and to welcome in the new one. It gives me great joy to spend this quiet time reflecting on the year and revisiting the lessons and blessings while sending out thoughtful intentions out for the new year.

I usually write out some goals and revisit past ones and do an inventory of the successes and do some reconsidering of the ones that did not come to fruition and then giving a good hard look at why that might be and what lessons came from it. Half the time the lessons of the failures were the whole point rather than the completion of the goal. Besides, you can always have a retry at the goals that were unfulfilled, at least I believe so.

2012 was quite the year. I think that if you read my blog, you know of my blessings and lessons so I need not go into detail here. It’s safe to say that it was a big year of

great things, and of great extremes.  Our family saw great adventure and greater adversity in the way of ailing health and wellness. Please keep my family in your prayers as we head into 2013.

If I were to sum up 2012 I would have to focus on Faith. This year I found that I turned to faith in a bigger way than I ever have before. That will happen to you when someone you love’s health is in jeopardy. You will turn to faith to keep you in the light when the shadows come calling.

I have always enjoyed having that solid belief system in something bigger than me. After several years of losing people that I loved very much, I turned from my faith and began to question all things related. I have always been a spiritual person. But in the face of great loss, and great questions surrounding the why that comes along with it, I have paid little attention to the God in things. I have focused on the light and love more and ignored the source you could say. Losing so many important people in such a small period of time was just too much pain, and I had a hard time believing that there was a God that would orchestrate such darkness. And then with the arrival of my nephew’s illness, I had no where else to turn but to God. The doctors do not have all of the answers and the ones that they do have are not serving my nephew’s health in the way that we need right now.

People always balk at the word God. I am not talking about Jesus or the other prophets that make many people cringe, I am talking about the life source in the world. There are so many questions I have regarding God, but what I do know, is that I have spent dozens of hours praying for my young nephew this year and each time I have finished, I have honestly felt better. There is something to be said for that.

I have high hopes for 2013. I have a long list of hopes and dreams that I plan on meeting along the road to fruition. First and foremost, a cure for my precious nephew and for all those out there fighting for their lives. I have a wish to see my beautiful children grow strong and healthy and to prosper in all they do. I hope that my husband continues to feel loved and to find solace in his work and play. I want my friends and family to love and be loved, to find fortune of heart and spirit where ever they go and to find the peace in spirit as I have this year.

I want to continue to live a generous life where I put others before myself and I want to be a role model to my children that no matter what happens to you in any given day, your happiness is directly linked to your attitude. With a positive attitude and a healthy outlook, anything is possible and nothing is quite that bad.

In 2013 I want to continue 2012’s theme of simplifying. I want to simplify on a grand scale of small things. Everything from the linen closet to the circle of people I share my life with. I want to just bring everything to a cleaner more user friendly state of being that supports a healthy and happy existence for my immediate family and myself and that will further solidify the amazing foundation I have built with my nearest and dearest, including those whom I wish to build one with.

2013 promises to bring many blessings, but this year I don’t have a long wish list of gifts I want to ask of her, I just want more of the same and I want to need less of it.

I feel that I have been so blessed, that I just want to have a quiet, low maintenance year where I find all of my gifts are in the giving. A place and a way of life I have come to have deep appreciation for.

Being up here at the cabin and away from our daily routine, I am offered a clarity that I would not otherwise have. At home there is always a chore list, jewelry to make, friends to call back, where up here, the world stops and the quiet moves in.

There is a stillness here that allows you to catch up with your inner voice and to really stop and listen to what the universe has put in front of you.

Since I have been up here, the word that keeps coming to mind in my head is gratitude. I am just so grateful for a blessed year of life long memories and lessons that will re-gift them selves to me for as long as I live. I have beloved friends and family that make me feel loved and appreciated and I have you, a crew of people that somehow find some value in hearing about my journey through this crazy life.

Thank you for continuing to read my blog, and I continue to hope that you find a small piece that speaks to your heart and that somehow inspires you. I hope that there is a little piece of me that resonates with you and that makes you feel heard, understood or at the very least that there is a kindred spirit out there that is learning some of the same lessons as you.

From my heart to yours,

Happy New Year.

love & light,

t.

Warmest Winter Wishes

This time of year, while being mighty cold and darker than what I prefer, also brings one of my favorite times of year. Christmas. That's right, I said it! I said it!
C h R i S t M a S...

Let me be clear... Christmas to me is about Santa and Snowflakes and less about religion and consumerism. I love decorating my home ( which I do on November 12th fyi- I pay my respects on November 11th first), I host ornament exchanges, winter teas, xmas parties... I even bake. I love opening my home in all of it's holiday beauty and sharing the bounty of love and light that has been entrusted to me through out the year.

The spirit of the season really is not lost on me. I wait all year to celebrate the magic of believing. Believing in Santa, believing in the spirit that takes over those in a position to reach out and help those in need, believing in the promise that January is yet another fresh start and a chance to get 'it' right one more time. I believe that there is more gratitude at this time of year than at any other. On the heels of Thanksgiving which is also a favorite holiday of mine, which rolls into Remembrance Day and then extends a welcome to winter, all of these events create a warm light of gratitude that just continues to grow and give life to the spirit which to me is the peace that is created by and is Christmas.

I regularly extend light and love in my greetings to people. Some people get it, most don't. Most think of it as an airy fairy token of my spiritual side, but what it actually is, is an extension of my wish of love and peace. We all have spiritual beliefs of some sort, and for some that means no belief at all. We all have a way of thinking of the universe and of where we fit into it. I believe that white light is the greatest gift of healing energy. That is why I send it to people whenever possible. Whatever you need healed in your life, body, spirit, relationships, whatever, I hope that people receive the light and allow the healing to envelope them. I extend my sincere love to people because first and foremost I am a lover and not a fighter and I believe that love is where we all begin and end. I want everyone who crosses my path and I do mean everyone,d to feel love every single day. I am sadly aware that many people go without love on a daily basis and I try to extend what I can.

The spirit of Christmas is in the love and light that I extend, and what I find the most beautiful is that I know that I am not alone. If you are reading this, then I believe that you also share your own light and love in the way that you know how. We all come to this earth with different gifts and generosities. I suppose what I am trying to get at is that it is this time of year that many of us really are able to share this love and light and have it received more easily.

I am well aware that the holidays are very difficult for many, many people. Emotions run high and can present very raw. The holidays for many bring up difficult memories and emotion that are only compounded by this time of year. To those people I find a great deal of compassion for and I try especially hard to share in the goodness of the season. It is not always well received so I try to respectfully allow them to stay where they are at, but I continue to celebrate in a way that is not as outwardly obvious when I am around them. The last thing I would ever want to do is to hurt someone further with my joy.

As we head into the last stretch before Christmas, I am eager with the full on excitement of a 5 & 8 yr old. I can't wait to have my house full of people that I love and want to know better. I can't wait to hang my stockings on the chimney. I can't wait to share what I have with those around me.

I always find the gift is in the giving, and I always find that more people give at this time of year, when others really need it the most. I find that the love and light that I love so much is gifted and received by those who normally reserve these gifts for their chosen few.

My wish for you, is that while the season gains on us, and the world begins to spin faster and our time is feeling lessened, and our chores seem to multiply, that you remember to slow down and feel the joy in the air. I hope that if you experience any sadness at this time of year, that you become open to allowing more joy to take over those spots of sadness and that you allow yourself to welcome the joy that is in the air to take over your spirit and offer you the levity that is light and love to encompass you.

Warmest Winter Wishes,

love & light,

t.