New Traditions

I cannot remember the last time that I sat down to my computer with any other intention than to write a new chapter for my memoir, and I do not remember the last blog post that I wrote. 

It’s December 27, 2017. I am sitting with a cup of chai and watching the snow fall on the forest next to our home. It all seems very romantic… a white Christmas, family gathering in our home, having all that we need. It is a romantic notion and the Christmas my family experienced was very beautiful. It wasn’t always this way. 

I feel inspired to write today. I opened a Facebook message this morning from someone I consider a ‘Facebook Friend’. We are friendly for sure, but I would not consider us friends. It makes me question how this person actually survived my Facebook Friend purge last month when I unceremoniously un-friended or as I prefer to think of it, freed myself from 500 people who over the years I have randomly accepted their requests. 

I opened this random message this week and the sender was wondering if I had considered the many people who do not enjoy Christmas for diverse reasons, when I post all of my ‘happy’ Christmas’ photos and how these may be making these people feel.   I have not responded to this message, yet. I have been sitting with it and considering how to respond, because I have more than considered how those people that this person referred to feel, I have been them more times that I care to remember.

With much consideration I have decided to acknowledge the question posed to me and to actually explain why I go to so much effort during the Christmas season. I believe that this is an opportunity to offer some insight to some and hopefully to replace the judgement that some may be experiencing.

When I was a child, our Christmases were either very joyful with the help of my Godparents, who always made the holidays special with thought, spirit and traditions, or they were as tragic as you can possibly imagine.

Each year was different. It all depended if my mother was in conflict with my Godmother or not, whether or not we would be having an especially joyful Christmas.

The good years were filled with group Christmas carol – sing alongs, visits from Santa, dancing to their jukebox, my brother Lonnie playing his bagpipes around the Christmas tree, ribbon candies and lots of laughs and happiness.

The not good years were really not good. I will not go into a great deal of detail here, but I will offer one example of the worst Christmas a child between the ages of 4 years old and 10 years old could ever experience.

One Christmas, my step father’s jealousy was triggered and while he chased my mother around the kitchen table with a knife, intending to do her harm, while I watched this scene unfold from the bedroom door that I shared with my sisters, who were hiding behind me in our darkened room, a neighbour had called the police who arrived and promptly took my sisters and I to a shelter where we spent Christmas that year. I will never forget the policeman who drove us there, he offered me a peppermint in the car. I remember thinking that it was too spicy, but I didn’t want to upset anyone else that night, so I just ate it.

There were other equally tragic Christmases that my siblings and I endured. I was not even 14 years old when I made a promise to myself. I promised myself that one day, if and when I ever had a family of my own, I was going to make Christmas so special. I would decorate our home, celebrate with our friends and family, I would have a beautiful tree, I would do crafts with them…

I committed to myself that my children, husband and I would enjoy a joyful, peaceful, loving and beautiful Christmas every year. I have stayed true to myself and to this promise.

The first few years after we had our children, I will admit, it was difficult to reprogram myself to stay present and to enjoy what was in front of me while supressing those other memories which would try to surface. I guess you could say that I was masking those painful memories with tinsel and shiny bows. You would not be wrong.

As the years have gone by, I have created magical memories for my family. Now, when I have Christmas memories surface, they are mostly of the new, beautiful memories my family and I have created. I am not saying that the older, painful memories are not still within me. I am just saying that with each new memory that my family and I make dulls the sharpness of the harsh ones that I experienced.

So, yes, I may go overboard at Christmas. I may love it a bit more than most other people; however, I feel like I am making up for lost time. I feel that I am providing my children with what they deserve. I feel good about that.

Yes, I love Christmas. Yes, I still have moments and days during the season that I find very challenging to stay positive and to keep those blues away, and yes, I am doing my best.

We all have difficult years that we find challenging. We all get our share…

In my case, unfortunately, most of those years came in my first two decades of life.

I recently read a quote from Glennon Doyle Melton, which read:

“First the pain, then the rising.”

I am enjoying the rising part of my life. I hope we all are.

Merry Christmas!

Thank You Gord...

August 20^th – Will forever be ‘Gord Downie Day’ to me.

3:17am

In a few short hours, our nation will gather. We will celebrate, reminisce and simultaneously mourn the reason why we have come together.

Gord, geez, buddy, I am just not ready to say good-bye. I know, I have said it before and I say it again, on behalf of all of the Gen X’ers across our country, you have provided our voice, the soundtrack of our lives. Now, on this momentous day we are expected to somehow let you leave the stage for the very last time. How can ‘we’, a nation of truly adoring friends allow you to do that without first being able to say our deepest, heartfelt thank yous to you? That is a lot to ask. Just sayin’.

For many of us, I am sure, you having to leave the stage is going to be first the ‘exit’ of a friend that some of us have ever had to deal with before. There is no preparing for ‘exit stage left’. As I sit here and write to you I wonder from our perspective, how is going to be for us at the end of this final set. I try to imagine how we are supposed to carry on knowing that the last note you sing to us will be the very last one. The truth is I feel shame in the wondering. Here, for months, many of us have been focussed on what this province by province, good bye has felt like for us. I am sorry Gord, it’s selfish, I know.

With this I will say my final good bye. Thank you for cryptically writing my life’s story. Thank you for sharing it with the world and I. Thank you for delivering it in away that took me out of the picture and allowed me to be a momentary voyeur. You have provided me space at times when the world was closing in, with your lyrics and harmonies. I owe you one for that.  I love you, man. You are the real deal and I will forever be grateful for knowing you through your art and creative process.

Thank you.  A million times, thank you.

Now, I write to you the reader, the fan, the equally, tragically hip person reading this. Aren’t we all tragic in someway? Isn’t that the real tie that really binds us? Gord gave us all value. He said to all of us,

 “Hey, listen…we are all the same. We are just here and you are just there, and we are all just fumbling through this journey, trying to leave as small of a disaster in our wake. You’re good. You’re cool. You got this.”

Gord made us seem like our ‘shit shows’ weren’t ‘shit shows’, that in fact we have all been treading the same water, waiting for those moments of thriving to reveal themselves, one star at a time. That is what makes Gord, all of our best friend. He normalized moments that made us feel like outsiders. He was the first voice to ever say that different was good. Think about that for a second…

So, while we are gathering and trying to fathom how to let this great man leave the Grand Stage, one last time, I invite you to join me in ceasing to be so selfish. We get to watch this concert tonight. We get to watch it with our friends and family. We get to go home tonight, rest our heads down and wake up tomorrow to a new day and new chances and choices for our future with our friends and family. I would consider that to be a pretty sweet way to end the day.

Today, all day, Gord is faced with the knowing that he is about to hit the stage for us. This whole tour has been for us. In the face of certain death, rather than spending this time with his children, he gave these past two months to us, a massive gift at the expense of his precious time with his children. That speaks volumes of how deeply he understands our own grief. Amazing…

So, tonight, after Gord leaves it all on stage for us, he gets to go back stage with his best friends, his band mates and he gets to let it sink in that that was it. Truly, that was the last time they would live the dream that they have so masterfully manifested for themselves. There will not be another encore. There will never be the crowds of adoring fans chanting, “Hip! Hip! Hip! Hip!” The Curtain has been called.

Back Gord will go to his place. Not his home, it is up for sale. Not to his family in the sense that you may think. He will go wherever it is he goes tonight. He will rest his head and he will feel a loss like none of us can imagine. We lose him, yes. We all are losing Gord, but damn, he is losing ALL of US. He is losing a nation! How does one comprehend that? Can you? Do You? How can one human feel to lose millions of friends all at once? Think about that…

I invite you to sing along, enjoy the show tonight. I know it will be epic. I also invite you to remember what Gord must be seeing from his two eyes tonight. Imagine what he will be hearing as the crowds and country serenade him with his own words. Will that nurture his spirit the way it nurtures ours? Will it convey the love and appreciation that we have for him? We can only hope.

With that I leave you. I am never one for goodbyes. My dearest friends know me and know that I don’t do goodbyes. I sneak off when no one is looking. I text them once I am home and thank them for a wonderful time. Good byes have never felt good to me, and quite frankly I have endured too many. As for Gord, I refuse to say good bye, rather, I am going to sneak off, and hope that he knows the gratitude I have and that the love he’s given is coming back to him tenfold.

That is how this journey between Gord and I will end… it won’t. I am going to go stage right and he will go stage left, and hopefully, one day, we will meet back stage, wherever that may be.

Tragically yours,

t.

The Hip & Tragically Tiffany

I believe that there are moments in your life that help to define us. I also believe that there is music that that arrives in our life at a time when it seems to speak to the story of our journeys current experience.

There have only ever been a handful of artists or bands that I feel a strong connection to for this reason. One of them being my first favourite band ever, The Tragically Hip.

The Hip arrived into my life on a Saturday morning, in the fall of 1989. Ron and Marlene Poole lived on a quiet street in Steveston, BC and granted there two sons, my friends, Bradley and Travis, their homes garage to be a place for they and their friends to 'hang out'.

I always looked forward to the weekends, and to going to Brad & Travis'. They were given way more permissions and freedoms then I could have ever dreamed of. I appreciated being there and watching what it was like to have parents that wanted you around and welcomed your friends.

On one of these Saturdays I arrived at their garage and like most days, our friend Shane was kicking back on a chair watching as the brothers were showing of their skateboarding skills for each other. I parked my bike on the side of the house and was  nstantly intrigued by what I was hearing coming from inside the house. I asked what was playing and Travis commented that it was his new 'tape'. It was The Tragically Hip, New Orleans Is Sinking, playing, and thus the love affair was born.

From that day forward The Hip has meant something to me. When I say 'The Hip', I do not just mean Gord Downie, I mean Johnny Fay, Gord Sinclair, Rob Baker and Paul Langlois. Gordie might be the voice, but the band together are what makes The Tragically Hip so special, so different.

Here is a band that kept their stick on the ice, consistently, for decades. There have never been scandals surrounding the band. No reports of destroyed hotel rooms, groupies gone wild, drugs or alcohol induced binges... these are just good ole' Canadian Boys who are authentically friends, doing what they love with the guys that they love the most. These guys represent every guy Canadiana. They are our neighbours, our hockey mates, our fishing buddies and our friends. They are real and that is what makes them so unique and special.

Growing up with these guys, they have created the sound track of my life. In every chapter of my life, there is a Hip song playing in the background. There is a lyric for every season and solid connections to my life with good reason.

You can imagine the heart ache I felt when The Hip's press released hit the national news and reported that Gord Downie was fighting for his life and that we had to accept that this would be a war that he sooner than later would not win. It is strange how we can feel so connected and such true love for someone we do not intimately know, but I do love that guy and I am just so grateful to have met him and to have spent time with him in 2002.

With the help of a friend of mine who grew up with these boys from Ontario, I was able to meet the band and Gord. I will never forget standing outside of the venue prior to the concert and being amazed as my friend Holly spoke on her cell phone trying to relay her position to the person on the person on the other end of her phone. Before I knew it, none other than her dear friend Johnny Fay was standing before me, his arms tight around Holly, greeting his dear friend like the dear friend she was, while announcing how happy he was to see her and grateful for her to be there to see his 'gig'. I guess playing for thousands of people is still considered a 'gig' to him. To me it was an epic concert performance!

Johnny hung with us for 15 minutes, while his fans walked by not ever noticing him. He was hiding in plain sight. Another reason to love him. He is just a normal guy that does not seek attention, rather he was simply there to give attention to his long time sister/friend. I was starstruck, amazed and forever grateful to be present in that moment.

The show was awesome. They band gave us what we came for and more. They were tireless and played until the audience could barely dance another step. It was an epic show. Afterwards, we went to the side door, where we were ushered backstage by a roadie. We went down halls, around corners, and through several doorways before we reached the guys. They were all kicking back, wiping their brows and sipping on freshly cracked cans of good ole' Canadian.

Each of them greeted us, with big smiles and with warm solid handshakes that lasted just a few extra seconds than you would have expected. They each looked me in the eye and offered a solid warm hello that made me feel like they were genuinely happy to meet me. It may have just been thirty minutes, but it was real. They signed my CDs and Gord signed his book of poetry that he had just published, Coke Machine Glow.

It is not often that you get to thank the people that have supported you in your life. I am forever grateful that I have been given the chance to say my thank yous to Gord and The Hip. I was able to shake their hands and to look Gord in the eyes and to explain my appreciation for him. That is a gift that is never and will never be lost on me.

At the end of that evening, my husband and I walked away after hugging Holly & Courtney Gordon, along with Alexander Ludwig (now the famous actor), and we were silent as we held hands and returned to our vehicle. We were silent as we tried to process what we had just experienced.

Looking back at all of the ways that The Hip has influenced me I have a deep love for what the band has brought to my life. It was a very bittersweet day yesterday when I saw the band for the last time. I was excited at the prospect of seeing my beloved band, but knowing that it would be my last time, was weighing heavily on my heart.

My best friend, Andrea and her husband Kris joined my husband Rich and I for dinner prior to the show. Together, the four of us walked to the venue to watch a band that we all deeply respect. We took our seats and the lights went down.

The lights came up and there they were. It was a few songs in when the tears started flowing. Here we were to enjoy a great concert, and there was Gord, literally fighting for his life, and still selflessly giving us every ounce of energy and life force that he has. It was an honour to witness and it was painfully humbling. I felt grateful in that moment but I also felt protective of my friend. I wanted him to sit down, and take a break. I wanted to tell him to save his energy for himself. I wanted him to rest and to not be dying of cancer. I wanted the moment and everyone like it to last forever.

There was a specific moment during the concert when Gord was singing Grace Too, when he paused. He paused for an extra few moments and looked around and subtly nodded as be looked at the stadium audience and his adoring fans, making eye contact with those within eye reach. In that moment it was obvious that the magnitude of the moment and what the evening meant to all of us, including him, hit him...hard. I will never ever, ever forget that moment. Again, it was real. It was tangible and we, everyone, in the building felt it. We shared our goodbyes in those few seconds.

Our good bye consisted of Bobcaygeon, Grace Too and New Orleans Is Sinking, and so many more tunes that we reveled in. At the end of the evening, each of the guys put down their instruments and hugged and kissed each other. To witness that brought grown men and women to tears. At one point the stage was empty except for Gord. The lights came up and for several minutes Gord waved good bye to us, blew us kisses, touched his heart and received our love and light that we all were sending to him. There was not a dry eye in the stadium. Men and women alike were weeping, sobbing and openly crying the ugly cry. Another very real moment.

So, just as my relationship with The Tragically began, so to shall it always remain with deep love and respect. No matter where I or they go, they will always hold a special place in my heart and on every playlist both past and future.

Thank you Gord, and to all of the boys for your constant companionship. I wish for each of them a great amount of love, light and Courage.

Peace for all of them and for all of us.

love & light,

t.

The Journey

It has been just over a year since my last blog post. I decided that I would dedicate every ounce of my writing energy to be spent on my memoir. The commitment has proven to be a great decision and my book is making great gains.

I could almost write a novel based on the happenings of last year, alone. It seems that the older we get, the more curve balls arrive at our doorstep. I am simply grateful that with age comes the wisdom to navigate these turbulent waters and that we are better able to discern what deserves our attention and what can be observed from a distance.

I am in constant flux. I am always siting that with every lesson comes growth and hidden gifts that will eventually be revealed, yet, I am always trying to make sense of the lessons and more than once I have made it clear to the universe that I am well grown, and I am to re-gift any more 'gifts' that may find me. I am done with the lessons for now, thank you, no thank you. 

It appeared that 2016 with it's gentle arrival was going to be a softer and more easy going year. It stayed true to it's impression until recently. That saying 'that when it rains it pours' is ever true. April arrived and situations that were unfortunate showed up. Relationships I had doubted, showed their fractures and loved ones with questionable health gained certain issues.

It is at times when your loved ones are enduring uncertainty and your stability as a unit is in question that you begin to evaluate and reevaluate your place in this world. You pay closer attention who shows up for you, who love you enough to pick up the phone rather than sending impersonal texts and Facebook messages, and you are blessed by those who hunt you down, only to share a brief hug. These are the kinds of things that you pay attention to when the meek happenings in a day no longer interest you because they no longer register on your radar.

When real life happens to us, and by real life, I mean things that will matter in a year's time, you realize with heartbreaking clarity just how fragile each of us are. You see who really loves you and who does not. You come to terms with the fact that some of your friendships/relationships have run their course and you can be amazed by those who you never expected to meet you where you are, find you and lend support that you never anticipated from them. I dare to say that it is a great example of the gifts that find us.

Recently, someone shared with me a saying that resonated deeply with me. They said, " Parenting is a life long, daily lesson in letting go." This is so true and it speaks to every relationship that we invest in. We are a constantly evolving species and with that the only thing that stays the same is that we are constantly changing. It is always a great experience when two people evolve in the same direction, but that is a rarity and that is when you learn about unconditional love.

The bottom line and really the point of writing this is about 'love'. It is such a basic word, an innate feeling and a concept as old as time. If you love someone, then tell them so. Reach out to those who you may not have been in touch with for a long time, re-connect with those that you may have had a misunderstanding with, the simple act of attempting to connect is an act of love in itself.

On the other hand, if you no longer feel attached or connected to someone, or if you feel that the friendship has run it's course, then let them go. Give them the opportunity to open their hearts to new people. What I mean by letting go, is to forgive them the pretense of pretending to be delighted to see them, pretending that things have not changed and that your heart feels as close to them as it once did.  To be very clear, that also means to unfriend them on Facebook etc... why keep the contact? Let it go. Let them go. Let yourself go on and be open to sharing that time with new potential friendships.

I had a friend disown me a couple of years back. The circumstances involved in the unfriending were as questionable then as they remain to be today, but here it comes... it turned out to be a gift. Initially, I was heartbroken, gutted and utterly hurt at a cellular level, then I realized that the situation was largely due to her own capacity to be accepting and nonjudgmental regarding things which she herself needed to address about herself. It was a great exercise in 'owning one's shit' and 'projecting one's shit onto another'. That said, I owned my shit and I realized that sometimes when someone is trying to disguise, evade or ignore their own issues, it is easier for them to create a story that alleviates them of any responsibility in dealing with the internal work that they need to do. I get it. I have done it. I have also lost some great friendships as a result.

Ultimately, having this dear friend disown me actually allowed me a freedom that I would never have granted myself without experiencing this loss. The time that I would have spent in this one sided friendship is now invested in new, mutually respectful and appreciative relationships that nurture and grow sans secret judgement and inauthentic good will. Had this person continued the facade I would have never known that my love was not authentically being returned, nor would I have opened myself up to some of the amazing new friendships that hold and heal my heart.

So, indeed the past couple of months have been stalked with great lessons. Ultimately, the foundation of every experience is love and the lessons that are being learned are around appreciating what is true. At the end of the day, what is important is family, and by family I sometimes mean those whom are born to us, but also, those whom we choose. Our best friends are our family and they can often be found in the foundation of who we are today.

If there is one take away from this piece, please let it be that our personal freedom which is our happiness can be found in the friendships that make up our family, who are the foundation that support our journey in this lifetime. In other words, our happiness is derived from those that we love.

Love. It's all about love.


love & light,

t.

                                Three of my 'moons' - Andrea, Beany, Paula - missing Marnie.

Happy Mother’s Day?

With Mother’s Day only a couple of days away, there are advertisements, commercials and reminders that prompt us to give thanks for our amazing mothers. I am always happy for the
people out there that are blessed to have mother’s worthy of thanks; however, what about the rest of us who cringe at the sentiment, who aren’t as fortunate?

There is an unsung community of us who are motherless children.
Whether it is because of dysfunctional and abusive childhoods that carried through until we left home, or because of toxic relationships, there is a subculture of adults who do not have the privilege of enjoying
happy memories of our mother’s love and tender care. Many of us don’t even know what tender care from a maternal figure would feel like. Perhaps it was just never to be? Is it possible that some of us were never meant to know that particular brand of love?

Prior to having my own children, I would dread Mother’s Day. I would avoid going out in public. I would not engage in media of any sort. I simply did not want or need to see the fairytale that would
never be mine. Whether it is all a facade or not, watching people celebrating this matriarch who represented love, protection and unconditional love, was all too heavy for my heart, which carried this specific weight all year long regardless.

You would think at a certain point or age it would get easier or less painful to live without having a mother to turn to, to trade recipes with or to get pedicures with. The truth is, it never gets easier. The older you get the more you realize how important family is and how important having a mother is or would be.

Once having my own children, I was horrified to know how my mother was able to mistreat me and how foreign that concept is to me, especially after experiencing the love that I have for my own children. I could never bestow that kind of reckless abuse upon anyone, never mind my own innocent children.

When I was pregnant with my first child I longed to have a healthy, vibrant, peaceful mother who would share in my pregnancy journey. When my child arrived, I yearned to have a mother to help guide me through the early days. More than anything though, I wanted to have a grandmother to dote upon my child, a grandmother to offer my children who would love and adore them, like I do. Was I to assume that It was not meant to be?

One day after having my second child I had this amazing epiphany. I realized that having my own children had gifted me the opportunity to reparent myself, byway of parenting my children in a way that I knew they deserved.
I didn’t know how to be a great parent, except to parent in a way I wished I had been parented. By loving my children so fully and completely, I have brought the maternal love I’ve always needed and craved, into my life. I have personally benefited from simply and innately loving my own children. It was not by design but rather, as a result of the copious amounts of love that I effortlessly bestow upon my children.

My children have been incredible gifts to me, to my life. I never knew though how they would heal my heart and free it from the weight of wanting.

Now, when people wish me a Happy Mother’s Day, I finally feel the blessing in the statement because I am no longer reminded of my motherless self, rather, I organically think about the maternal love that fills my life and my home. It doesn’t matter that it is a love that I have created. What matters and what I choose to focus on is that it is a true love that envelops my family, and that is where the blessing lives. My family has a matriarch. My family is showered in this love every single day. 

This year and every year going forward it will be a Happy Mother’s Day, because I now know a maternal love worth celebrating.

Happy Mother’s Day? Absolutely!


love & light,

t.

Recollection & Renewal

On the eve of 2015, I find my thoughts wandering back into the year behind us, reflecting on all
of the teachers and challenges that found me and that I found this year. Looking back is always bittersweet. Each year there are always unexpected treasures and delights that you could never have dreamed of for yourself and then there are the heartaches that you could not have fathomed would ever darken your doorstep. In both instances, we surface the other side with a greater capacity for love and endurance.

Although, I will always choose love and light and to focus on the gifts and the blessings. This year
did offer so much beauty to focus on, but it did not come without challenging my commitment to remain positive in the face of fear and change.

While 2014 hosted a multitude of absolutely amazing opportunities and adventures, it also presented
several life altering situations. On the side of beauty, we had three new babies in our family both
immediate and extended, with a couple more on the way. We were privileged enough to visit some of our family’s favourite places and were lucky enough to be there with our dear friends and loved ones.
We enjoyed the luxuries of many epic concert experiences, traveling in our motor home,
hosting visiting family and friends, birthday celebrations, accomplished goals, creating new bonds with great friends, experiencing and witnessing the successes in our home and of our beloveds and having opportunities to further nourish life long friendships.

We have had our share of true joy this year but as I mentioned, the joy was even more wonderful when it enveloped us because we were also visited by several challenges that had us counting our blessings and praying for more to come. I have to think that we are coming to an age where health issues are more prevalent amongst our parents and their friends, but also in our own circle of friends.

The year was quite smooth until the summer arrived and one of my dearest friends moved out of province. It is always difficult when a loved one moves away, but it is especially difficult to face when it is someone who is in your day to day life. All of a sudden you wake up one morning and your
living your life without seeing or hearing from that person in the same way that once provided you
a constant sounding board, comrade and partner in coffee and crime. It was a huge adjustment which
took a larger toll than I had anticipated.

My heart was healing when word arrived that a dear friend had suddenly passed away. There
was no warning. It was a freak accident. They were here one day and gone the next. It was shocking, horrifying and totally blindsiding. It was another loss that took a large toll and left a huge hole in our community of friends.  There are no words I can call on to convey how gutted we all were.

This summer was lovely and then again, all hell broke loose. This past fall, in as many weeks, I found out that three of my very dear, beloved girl friends are fighting cancer. Just when you think that you can handle the fear that follows the journey of cancer treatment with one of your nearest and dearest, you find out that wait, you have two friends fighting the fight, but then you wake up one morning to that phone call you just want to believe is a dream or nightmare… but you realize that the reality is that you have three of your own fighting for their lives. Except for the grace of deep rooted strength and not having a choice, you muster up the courage and put on your game face and you go into battle leading the charge. That old saying ‘never let them see you sweat’ should be revamped to say ‘never let them see you sweat, cry, worry or your fear’.

When it comes to life, nothing is as important as good health. Of course there is never a good time to
get this kind of news, but on the heals of these revelations, I was kicked hard when I was down, and was literally disowned by someone I had considered more than a best friend. My family was her family and vice versa, until one day she decided she was ‘done’. You can imagine the emotional challenge; however, there is something very amazing about divine timing. When you are dealing with life and death in such a major way, and then forced to deal with someone’s fickle and flakey dismissal of your love and friendship, it is all put into perspective in a major way, really fast. That said, loss is loss any loss requires and deserves an appropriate amount of grieving. It is what it is and it was what it was… just not what I thought it was. My bad.

With friends coming and going, fighting for their lives, dying, divorcing, moving away, moving closer, losing loved ones, aging parents, launching businesses, buying and selling vehicles and vacation investments with the added blessings and stresses of everyday struggles that are all apart of daily life, to say the least it was an interesting year by any standards, which had me constantly battling the urge to leave the present moment rather than relishing the comfort that one can find when living in the moment.

As individuals we know ourselves. We know what we are capable of handling. By autumn I knew I was about at my limit when even more news of poor health arrived to us, surrounding other loved ones. I knew that I had to stay in the light and focus on the facts and not the what ifs. That is precisely where I have forced myself to remain until treatment strategies and surgeries are behind us. We are still presently in that holding pattern. It makes one feel weak and
useless while literally several of you close loved ones are battling for their life and quality of life, and you are stranded on the sidelines, unable to do anything of consequence.

With all of the goodness of 2014 and the challenges that arrived on the heels of so many blessings, it made it very easy to give deep gratitude for our health, the health of our children and the life that has given us so much to enjoy. Where this past year was so lovely and joyful, it was also extremely emotional and has left us in a state of limbo in many ways. While we hang on for many happy endings, we wait with bated breath as the uncertainty that crept up upon us in 2014 is grandfathered into 2015, despite the lack of invitation.

My hope and focus for 2015 is for good health, not just for myself and my immediate family, but for all of my loved ones and for all of yours. In light of this year and the lessons it brought, I am recommitted more than ever to bring health to the forefront of my life and that of my family’s. It pains me to admit it, but I have not made overall health in every aspect of our lives, the priority that it needs and deserves to be. I try hard and often succeed in being a positive role model for the children in my life, but I know I can do better.

With all of the above information laid out there, it goes without saying that my goal for 2015 is to bring my health to where it needs to be. With all of the details above comes a responsibility to know better and to do better. Life is such a gift but in no way is it a given. There is a fine line between living and being alive, but once you cross that line into living fully, the rewards are ample and they provide a greater experience in an already miraculous world.

My wish for you is to always remain focussed on the light that causes any shadow that finds you. Remember that there are gifts in every challenge despite the anchor of pain that might keep you from immediately realizing it. The gifts are always worth the trials that you sometimes have to endure.

Wishing you love & light in 2015,

t.

The Myth of Love, Friendship & Forever.

With February soon to be here, it is easy to get caught up in the ‘idea’ of love.
Love comes at us from many angles. We love our intimate partners, we love
our sisters, our brothers, we love our children, we love our friends, our pets,
our parents etc… Love. Love. Love.

To know me is to know that I love, love. I can find it in anything and I find it
in everything. I will always choose to see the good in every situation, given
enough time to process the moment. Happiness is a choice and I find joy in
love and light. I love fully or I don’t love. I don’t know half way, it is simply not
apart of my DNA. Negative, skeptical and insecure people usually find this
really annoying. Too bad for them, I say. Must bite to be so miserable, I figure.

Love truly is beautiful and necessary to have in our lives provided that
there are healthy boundaries in place. The moment a line of respect is crossed
you quickly realize that there is fine line between love and hate.

Regardless of the relationship, boundaries broken can create the perfect platform
to host a painful lesson which can and often lead to the discovery that the the way
we think of love is not necessarily a true representation of the reality of how love
actually works.

True love. Those words bring me back to a moment I witnessed this past Christmas.
It was Christmas afternoon and I had been thinking of a loved one who had passed
on, so, I decided to visit the cemetery. I entered into the gates and continued on driving
slowly to the far north end of the yard. I noticed families gathered around headstones.
I saw dozens of newly left poinsettias to honour loved ones gone. It wasn’t long before
I felt the blanket of heaviness that was hovering over the entire place.

Despite the heaviness, I was honoured to be there and to visit my loved one. Did I shed
a few tears? Did I convey how much I wished that they were still here? Of course. I brushed
off the headstone, wished them a Merry Christmas and I slowly walked back to my car saying
a prayer of thanks that I was able to represent a few of us and leave a little love there on what
was a beautiful winter’s day. I was there because I love this person.

As I drove out of the yard, slowly, on the narrow lane, I noticed a woman. She sat in a camping chair
with a child not much older 2 years old on her lap. The child was napping and she was staring off
into the distance in a stare 5 miles long. There was a picnic blanket, toys, snacks, a thermos and
several other items that conveyed to me that they had spent the morning there and that they had no
plans of leaving anytime soon. I was humbled, horrified and heart wrenchingly aware that while I
had been at home with my family, cherishing the our moments together, this woman had been there
‘spending time’ with her late husband. She was there because she is in love.

As I continued driving past, I knew in that moment that I had just witnessed ‘true love’. I have always
believed since the day I met my husband that I know what ‘true love’ is; however, in that moment I
realized that I had been sweating the small stuff a little too often. I try to keep my eye on the prize but
there are moments when I get caught up in trivial things that actually do not matter. I realized that
I am able to better honour the gift of true love that I have, by staying more present. I know that woman sitting there with babe in arms would give anything to forget the small stuff and to be with her beloved for even one minute longer in this life time. Witnessing this scene made me instantly recommit to being fully aware of how and with whom I spend my time with.

Over the past few years, I have spent a great deal of time and care ‘purging’ my friendship circle. Maintaining only the relationships which nourished me and made me a better me. I had decided last year to not allow anyone to treat me with any less respect than I feel I deserve. I made a commitment to myself that I would let people know when their words were cutting or perhaps feeling less than kind or considerate. What I didn’t count on is that by demanding respect and calling people on their words that did not reflect the standard of friendship that I believe any healthy relationship should have, that I would be on the receiving end of a purge, that I, in fact, would be purged.

Of course when this recently happened, I was dumbfounded, side swiped, gutted and deeply hurt on a cellular level when one of my best friends decided that it was time to cut ties with me. At first, I was simply heartbroken. I was sad as I had lost a family member, a sister as far as I was concerned; however, after using my inner circle as a solid sounding board who knew both sides well, I presented the facts as I know them to be true. After a great deal of discussion I  came to realize that perhaps I did not have what it takes to nourish this friend’s spirit. I love this person to this day as much as I ever have. I love her enough to realize that she deserves what makes her happy and if my friendship is not enough for her, than that is just the way it is. I also realized that sometimes, some people do not realize when they are subconsciously saying hurtful things that can only and could only ever be perceived as hurtful. That old saying ‘We know not what we say’, comes into play sometimes.

Sometimes the love you have for a friendship has a shelf life, I have learned. You can love as long as you like, but it doesn’t mean the person you are gifting that love to is always going to want to receive it. We are gifted teachers and challenges on a daily basis. Sometimes a person can qualify for both titles. I have learned a great deal about human nature, authenticity, illusions & love. In some instances, with the huge the help of birthday cards/books, written words and otherwise,
I had convinced myself that I have meant more to certain people than I actually ever did.

I have willingly and happily spent love & energy in a direction that was primarily one way, believing that down the road at some point, some year, that the tides would change and the flow would one day find balance. Well, not everything that we believe will come to fruition actually does. The relationship, one which I can honestly say, I gave my authentic self to in a routinely selfless way, was in my opinion a forever relationship. We spoke of raising our kids together. We discussed what it was going to be like when our families retired together. We annually spent holidays together. We share a lovely group of friends from both sides with whom have been very supportive in a private, ‘please don’t let on that I’ve called you, please don’t repeat this’ kind of way. We will likely find ourselves at parties, vacation spots, etc… together and ultimately we will continue to be in each others
force fields whether we want to be or not. Her friends continue to contact me and my friends remain hers, our husbands are good friends.  Our social circles are simply designed in a way that will see that happen into the future. So… it is what it is and life goes on. We are adults. We have social graces.
It will be fine.

Life goes on. Life unfolds and if witnessing that woman by her husband’s grave on Christmas Day
taught me anything, it taught me that life is too short. Life is too short to hang on to ‘what ifs’ & ‘how comes’.  Onwards and upwards, lessons under the belt and scars to prove we were there and we lived to tell about it. If seeing that woman by her husband’s grave gave me one sacred take away it is the reminder that forever does not exist. We can romanticize the notion of something, let it be love, life or friendship being forever but the truth is that tomorrow is a new day and with it comes new light which will shift the shadows that were there the day before and cast new ones where you never dreamed there would ever be one.

At the end of the day the only love you can count on is the love you give. For reasons that will make sense and sometimes won’t, love can be given, taken and redirected without notice. Forever is an illusion that comforts us in a world where the only thing that stays the same is change.

While the world and Hallmark prepares to insight mass anxiety over the need to be loved, find love, give love, I will quietly remember that love is truly about accepting yourself and those around you for who they are, where they are and why they are. Enjoy what you have, while you have it.
True love is unconditional and lame imitations need not apply. The myth about love, friendship and forever is only cruel if you forget who you are and why we are here... to love and be loved.

love & light,

t.